It’s mid January and the book has just arrived. I open to the first page. Mind you, at this point, the words polyamory and non-monogamy have never entered my personal lexicon.
The first word in the book is INVITATION. I decided to write about how the words made me feel. Here it goes:
The book asks me if I am inviting others into my inner world.
“I have a buried treasure. My every interaction is a map. I am to reveal my most sacred thoughts and feelings.”
The punk rock kid named Sheila in me with the ripped fishnets, plaid miniskirt, black doc martins and black flag t-shirt wants to reply, “Like my fantasy about being fucked by a gorilla and how I really hate the sound of my husband sipping tea? I am supposed to reveal that to my him? I don’t think so.”
P.S. I don’t really want to have sex with a gorilla and I don’t really mind my husband sipping tea. Well…the tea part…
“Let go of resentment and fear!”
I would give my left tit for letting go of fear and resentment to be as easy as an exclamation point.
“Live in my loving integrity!”
What is my loving integrity?
I don’t even think I know what that means.
“In time my conscious acts will invite encouraging reciprocity.”
I consciously tried to instigate sex. It wasn’t reciprocated. It still hasn’t been and it’s been over four months now.
“Invite eroticism with an open-minded and open-hearted intention, ritual, or meditation right at this moment.”
I watched a quick porn video on Redtube.
Does that count?
I am not trying to be a dick. I guess this is exactly why I don’t have more intimacy in my life. Maybe I am just too immature for it?
I asked my husband if he had any fantasies. He said he wasn’t like that.
I asked him if he wouldn’t mind telling me what body parts he found sexy. He seemed annoyed.
I asked him if he would write a little more heartfelt anniversary card than:
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
You Giggle Like a Monkey
And Pony Does Too
He said that wasn’t his thing. He hated cheesy greeting cards. Didn’t see the point.
I am zero for three.
I am not bitter that my husband doesn’t seem interested in me sexually whatsoever. No. Not at all. I’m fine. Really.
Okay fine. I’LL DO IT.
I invite you, eroticism, with an open-mind and an open-heart into my life.