SEXUALITY

Many of us learned about our sexuality in casual or frantic states.

People can, and often do, engage in copious sexual activity while utterly repressing their core sexuality.

Especially when one’s sexuality has been wounded.

Ouch.

Does walking in on your older brother and his friends jerking off to porn and being told to stay watch and learn something at the age of 12 count as a wound?

If your sexuality were a country, would it be a developed nation or a desert island? Write some descriptive words you associate with your sexuality.

Ugh. It’s definitely a third world country. Like the slums in Mumbai. My sexuality is hungry. Chronic hunger for connection and meaning.

What do you know about your sexual self, and how did you gain this awareness? As you consider this, note signs of discomfort, confusion or blankness.

My first real boyfriend. I was 16 he was 23. He helped introduce me to my sexual self. A lot. He bought me my first vibrator. He snuck into my bed every night. He had dirty feet. He was supposed to go back to school and he never did.

When I think of him and the sex we had I feel ashamed. I see girls that are 16 and I pray they aren’t having that kind of sex.

Maybe if I grew up in some European place where they are liberated sexually instead of repressed I wouldn’t feel this way.

But I come from some serious Mormon Stock and it’s all about shame.

The best sex I have ever had is without a doubt with my husband when we first met and decided to make a baby. It was the most connected loving intimate special warm womblike thing I had ever experienced. I felt completely safe and loved. We found bliss at the same time every time. Our daughter is truly a love child.

For the first time in my life I didn’t feel shame.

It was bliss.

Except it ended once we found out I was pregnant.

3 months after we met.

And it never came back.

It’s been almost 5 years.

I am dying a slow death inside.

slowdeath

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