AWKWARDNESS

When I had to do a “striptease” in acting class, wow that sounds stupid, you had to choose an adverb. Like sexiest striptease, or drunkest, or angriest. I chose most awkward. And oh boy, was it ever.

People who feel awkward in life, especially in sex, were typically not seen, heard, understood, cherished, as children.

That word, cherish. Gets me every time. What does it mean to feel cherished? Adored?

I am not sure I know.

Moreover, any others were sexually shamed, or worse yet, sexually abused. Shame creates sexual awkwardness, so overcoming sexual trauma is the first step on the road to recapturing our natural grace and ease.

His name was Leaf. I was only 13. How I wish I could take that night back. Make a different choice. So many different choices I would have made.

I was never awkward when drinking. I was a lion. Fearless. Aggressive. Confident. Sexy. Saucy. Sarcastic. Witty. Biting. Intimidating.

Now. Sober. I am. Awkward. Self-conscious.

Fucked. Getting fucked. Hair pulling. Biting.

A summer romance from when I was 18 years old sent me a message on Facebook today.

Damn that facebook.

It started out innocently enough. It really did. I never intended for it to veer into innuendo. But it did. It veered. Wildly and acutely into some heavy flirtation pretty fast. I think that might be a sign. That I am wanting to be wanted. And the wanting is overriding my integrity. And that doesn’t feel so good.

But damn does it feel good to feel wanted.

It’s like a drug.

Total high.

I am auditioning therapists next week to address the sexual trauma of my past.

God help me.

Make a list of all activities that make you feel awkward?

  1. Instigating sex
  2. After sex
  3. Walking into parties and social events
  4. Eating in front of people
  5. Small talk
  6. Introducing myself to a stranger
  7. Telling someone what I really think
  8. Being honest

Try one activity on your list and pay attention to your self-consciousness. See what happens.

No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to tell my husband about my flirt. I want to keep it all to myself. Just for a little while longer…please? Can I? I promise I’ll tell him. Soon. Just one more sext. That’s all.

My husband is out tonight. I am home alone with our daughter and she’s finally asleep.

Now is when I really wish I owned a vibrator.

 

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