When things are hard, I quit. Usually.
I am a professional quitter.
A deprivation junky.
I quit dancing. I quit acting. I quit drinking. I quit a marriage, long ago. I quit all my relationships. I quit eating shitty food.
I quit loving myself somewhere in there too.
I think a part of the problem was being told how smart I was all the time growing up. It really fucked me up. If I was so brilliant, then I couldn’t ask questions. I couldn’t ask for help. Because smart people already knew the answers.
I am trying to see if there are any things I have not quit that were difficult…
I have not quit Alcoholics Anonymous. Not for over 10 years now. Even though I keep trying. It’s difficult for me to stay with it sometimes, but I stick with it, in my own way.
I didn’t quit the trail marathons I ran last year. Even though I hated most of them.
This marriage I am in now, is difficult. For me. And I don’t want to quit. I don’t fully understand that. But quitting does not feel like an option. Even though one of my basic needs are not being met and I feel like I am living in a repressed sexual box. Something has got to give. I fear what that might be.
This is the longest relationship I have ever been in. Almost 5 years. A lot of shit went down in AA for me at 5 years sober. Maybe the difficulty I am experiencing now, of feeling so alone in a marriage, is just another difficult time, and it too, shall pass.
Get out of self-pity, blame and resentment. Embrace any difficulties today with the positive certainty that they deliver the spiritual transformation you’re seeking.
It’s hard to be positive when I am in so much pain.
My heart hurts.
It’s difficult to stay. But leaving doesn’t seem like a good idea either.
The true definition of a dilemma is when neither option looks good.