TRAUMA

Oh now we are talking my kind of language.

Our body and psyche hold two different kinds of trauma: explicit and implicit.

It takes great effort to release the damage of unprocessed trauma.

I have just begun this effort. It is a herculean task. I will be honest, I am nervous. Scared. Afraid. Of what will come up. But I want to be released form this bondage.

My personal relationships are fraught with red flags. And I am so sick of talking about it. The disconnection between my head and my body has never been more apparent than when I simply sit still and scan my body for signs.

The body never lies. It has an intelligence I believe surpasses the intellect. And I am listening now.

Pre-verbal trauma. I released something of the sort at the TRM workshop. Scared the crap out of me but intrigued me just the same. Feels like the therapy I have been searching for my entire life.

I feel lucky and ready that I met my current therapist. From the first second I saw her face I knew. I just knew. Her level of empathy and compassion is so nurturing. I feel safe and contained and most importantly, seen. It doesn’t hurt that she has tons of toys in her office either. Toys for kids, that is.

Masturbation in adolescence is a sign of an involuntary attempt to manage early childhood trauma. Same with addiction.

Well, duh.

What issues and unpleasant feelings do you see repeated from your childhood in your current relationship?

I have had a recurring dream where I am screaming at my mother, “Why don’t you love me??!!” or “Why can’t you love me???!!” usually while we are trying to paddle a tiny life raft up the face of an enormous tidal wave and she’s not paddling at all.

I have heard the same thoughts in my head towards my husband.

The feeling of being a burden. Being unwanted. Not chosen. Not special. Not the most important one. Not worth fighting for. Not missed.

“Healer, heal thyself first.”

I’m on it.

I always tell the foster kids that I work with that trauma is relative, and although I do not know what it is like to be a foster kid in the system, I do know what it is like to feel abandoned, neglected, and alone. And I can always meet them there and then help them see things differently through sharing our stories.

I offer them a life raft in the guise of personal narrative.

Change your story, change your life. Or is it change your mind and change your life?

Regardless…same difference.

liferaft

One thought on “TRAUMA

  1. I fell in love with you all over again.

    Solid raw and yearning
    For satisfaction. For fulfillment. For love. Agape love. For pleasure. For forgiveness.
    To be seen. To be held. To be silenced by affection.

    Thank you for sharing your path with me. With all.
    I love you.

    Like

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