For awhile after my daughter was born I thought that maybe this was what I suffered from. Turns out it was generic postpartum depression. Nothing fancy or special at all. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something really terrible was coming imminently down the pike.

Material happiness refers to a temporary state depending on outside factors.

Retail therapy totally works!!!!

For about an hour.

We do know that true inner happiness is an act of communion because it results in identification and connections to the flow of life. This happiness must involve intimacy, the ability to make oneself known. 

The other day a Summer fling from when I was 18 found me on Facebook. I will call him The Ninja, because he always wore a black karate outfit, and apparently is now really a Ninja. Went to Ninja school in Japan and is some sort of twice black belted something or other. He can kill with his bare hands. We’ll leave it at that.

So The Ninja sent the first message and it went something like this:

“Fuck !!! Right ? SO good to hear of you. So good to see your face and hear that you are teaching and sharing and empowering others with your passions … love to reconnect, hear your voice , find a laugh together when the moment is right. Huge hug your way, extra blast of good wind in your sails. love. -Ninja”

To which I replied something like this:

“Fuck shit dickneck cocksucker is totally right! So good reading your words and seeing photos of you. You look great. What the hell are you up to?”

And FOR SOME REASON this minor interchange has subsequently turned into a full on innuendo flying texting extravaganza to which I feel utterly powerless over.

This is not me.

I am a good wife. I have not flirted with another man since I married my husband. I have been hyper vigilante about all my interactions with people of the opposite sex for fear of giving the wrong impression. I don’t do this.

What the fuck is going on????

And I can’t stop.

I want to be wanted.

It’s that simple, I think.

And it worries me.

Because nothing good ever really comes from something like this.

Trust me. I know.


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