Only time will tell. But I do imagine I must tread lightly from here on out.

I am high on the potential for radical honesty, I hate being duplicitous anyways.

Even though he says he would rather not know. We discussed some boundaries and rules. He wants me to take care of my needs discreetly.

How to be discreet. Who do I tell? Why would I tell them? Can I have secrets? Anyone who knows me will say emphatically, NO. She is TERRIBLE at keeping secrets. Especially her own.

I went to bed titillated and slightly turned on, especially by him. But it wasn’t Sunday, our sex day. So I laid in bed next to him and got myself off thinking about The Ninja. It felt strange. I have never done that before.

But we aren’t in Kansas, anymore Dorothy.

I woke up sad.

This feels terrible.

I need some perspective.

I have been crying on and off all day. Emotions are so complicated and shifting constantly. One second I am elated to be sexually liberated and the next second in despair over the loss of the “ideal” marriage I thought I had.

I told the first person about our decision to be non-monogamous today. She is a dear friend who is in a polyamorous relationship and also happens to be my meditation teacher. We have been working together for almost a year now on the two sides of sexuality and creativity through meditation. She knows everything about my marriage. Every. Thing. She was thrilled. She said it was about time. She was very excited for me to begin this journey of self discovery and that it was very evolved of us to have this conversation.

I just hope every person I tell has such a supportive response.

She recommended three books:

Ethical Slut
Opening Up
Sex at Dawn

I ordered all three at once.

Sex at dawn sounds fun. It’s been so long since I’ve had morning sex. Any sex other than in our bed, missionary style, on a Sunday evening after our daughter has gone to bed. It is beyond perfunctory. I have to remind him about our weekly “date.” I feel like a guy and that feels weird. All my other married friends say they wish they had my problem, their husbands are all over them all the time and ready to go at the drop of a hat. I tell them solemnly and honestly, No. You don’t.

I don’t know if I can be with another person without falling in love with them. Thought about being with another woman today. The possibilities are endless. The fantasies are endless. The reality is another matter. How to tread lightly. How to proceed slowly and mindfully.

My husband sent me a text this morning:

I am proud of you. I love everything about you.

I wept.

I replied:

I want to grow old and wrinkly with you. You are my rock. I love you.

I meant it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s