I told another friend today about my potential open-marriage. He’s a psychologist who specializes in sex addiction. I thought if anyone could, he could, understand. And he was, very understanding. Yet, he had some doubts…about my husband’s true motivation…as he knows our entire history, and I brushed those doubts away like they were pesky mosquitos.
After reading Sex At Dawn, it does, on some level, feel like it’s more natural to be polyamorous than to be monogamous. Biologically, especially. The whole part about how a woman wants to fuck a man with superior DNA to her spouses when ovulating really struck a chord with me. I was obsessed with the idea of fucking The Ninja about a week or two ago, however, not only did I get my period today but the obsession gone. Poof! Vanished. Maybe it’s hormones and maybe it’s that it’s not a secret anymore.
I have always questioned my capacity to be faithful. I have never succeeded before.
Maybe I was never meant to?
And BY THE WAY, I have been in a polyamorous relationship from the beginning of my relationship with my husband! Motherfuckers! I didn’t realize it until I was reading Opening Up, but my husband is insanely close with his ex-girlfriend. It’s ridiculous, really. They share everything; a dog, office space, nutritionist, diet, friends, humor…I have jokingly referred to her as my sister wife. Which they don’t find as humorous as me. But in every regard, except for the sex part, we are a threesome. I just didn’t know they had a name for it until now.
So now it is my turn to get some.
My sexuality. My creativity.
I feel like writing and painting. That hasn’t happened in a long long time.
So that is good. Bad. Good. Bad. Good. Bad. Good. Bad.
Only thinking makes it so.
I thought God or whatever you want to call it (I just use God because it requires the least amount of consonants and syllables) had rewarded me for all my pious hard work within the 12 Steps of AA when I met my husband. I proclaimed loudly and confidently from the podium to hundreds of people how my husband was a direct result of my Step 2 conversion to a life built not around self-reliance but God-reliance and that it had brought me someone a thousand times better than I ever could have imagined because I, in my limited imagination, would have left something out. But the Source had made him all that and more.
Then I fucking hated God when it turned out that this perfect secure attachment seeming styled person was not so perfect after all. And was human. And maybe a little more than just human. Maybe really really quite fucked up. As am I.
Now I have no clue whatsoever. Is he the greatest thing or the worst thing to ever happen to me?
Maybe he is both.
God’s gift. God’s wrath. It just is.
It just is what it is.
But what is IT?? IT is certainly unusual, the non-monogamous route. There is not much support for this kind of thing. Who am I in this new role and realm? As a mother? Wife? Lover? Artist? So many “I don’t knows.”
Feel like my life has gently but suddenly been blown apart and the pieces have not landed yet. Or maybe they will land and create an entirely new picture.
It’s hard not knowing. What is going to happen.
I also feel like when I try to get closer to my husband, it’s like grabbing handfuls of sand, he slips through my fingers and at the end, there is nothing there. Nothing to hang onto.
I don’t want to be a repressed woman. I don’t want to be a single woman. I don’t want to go through another divorce. Not with a four year old. Not like this.
He told me I could take my wedding ring off and see what that was like.
I don’t want to take my wedding ring off.
I am not going into this without complete transparency.
I feel sick right now. Like throwing up sick.
Shame. Sex shame is coming up. I can feel it in my body. The dirty bad feeling that I can’t wash off no matter how hard I scrub. Skin rubbed raw.
Lord knows I have tried.
At the same time I have never been more attracted to my husband or felt more loving towards him. A softening. I don’t know. Thy will. Not mine.
When I was giving our daughter a bath tonight I found semen floating in the water. He rubbed one out in the shower. It made me cry. Seems he does have a sex drive after all. Just not for me.
Married. Marriage. Till death do us part. Vows. I made a vow.
For what it was worth.