Just got off the phone with The Ninja. We spoke for almost 2 hours. We reminisced about our childhood and our brief love affair when I was 17 and he was 19.

He told me about his life. The avalanche of loss he has endured to bring him to here and now. I shared with him my war stories and my current situation. How his timing was uncanny.

I felt calm and warm talking to him. I didn’t feel like I was anxious or needed to see him or be with him. I just really enjoyed hearing his voice. A voice I once knew so well. I forgot what a big part of our family he was for a time. He was a major player. Then he was gone. It’s been 25 years since I have seen or spoken to him.

He asked me to imagine being connected passionately and completely with someone. I told him I couldn’t imagine that. That I have never had that. But I lied. I had that with my husband. When we made our daughter. But not since then. And I want that again, desperately. He asked me to imagine what it would be like to not only be a mother, a sister, a daughter, and a career woman and a writer, but to imagine having the full alive sexual woman inside of me awakened and lit on fire.

I disassociated at that moment. Then the phone went dead.

Saved by AT & T, I thought to myself.



Lots of thoughts swirling in my head.

He called back. I answered.

He told me in graphic detail about one of the times we fucked in his loft that Summer decades ago. I was 17. Tan. Long golden hair. I was on all fours begging him to fuck me. He was teasing my clit with the head of his dick.

It’s hard to hear that and not get turned on and turned out.

Even though I have no memory of this whatsoever.

I segued into getting off of the phone. Said my husband was coming home soon.

We said good night.

I feel really weird talking like that as a married woman to someone I am not married to. It is kind of messing with my head. A lot.

I have no idea what to make of any of this.

I just don’t want to blow everything up and have to recover. I am not interested in that at all. But I feel like I am drifting farther and farther away from my husband although I haven’t felt close to him in years.

He is so elusive.

Can this really work????

We will see.

Autonomy at it’s finest.


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