Couldn’t sleep last night.
I kept waking up and having mini panic attacks about this.
I had to talk myself back to sleep.

I really have no idea what is happening. I have never been through anything like this before in my life. I never imagined myself in a non-monogamous marriage. I never fantasized about an open-relationship. I have always been a one woman one man kind of girl.

I am focusing on the positive but the fear is pervasive.
I have no model for this. No example. Just shame and secrecy.

I bear generations of sexual shame and repression.

I have resumed sexting with The Ninja. Although not technically sexting, the innuendos are running rampant. He is fully aware of my new situation. I believe in transparency.
Can I be fully transparent with my husband? Does he even want me to be and if not, why not? Yes, we are entering what some might consider a more “evolved” way of being in relationship and some might consider delaying the inevitable demise. However, when I asked him if he wanted to know, he said he didn’t. Which doesn’t feel right to me.
But do I really want to know about him and his liaisons, as well?
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I do. I really do.
From reading Opening Up, Sex at Dawn, and Ethical Slut it seems like the whole thing is built on and more intimate BECAUSE of the transparency.

So why does he want to be kept in the dark when all I want is the light?

I told my Mom.
I am still not sure if that was a good idea or not.
She relayed her unsuccessful experiments with open-marriage with one of my ex-stepfathers back in the late 70’s. They never read any books. Never had any rules. It was a disaster, of course.
Not a very inspiring conversation for me.
I do know she had plenty of affairs that were NOT transparent when the open marriages became closed, and we all suffered because of them.

Maybe monogamy is not in our DNA?


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