COMMUNION

By offering up our pain to the world we touch everyone who has similar pain, and thus become human. Our heartbreak is the world’s heartbreak. We never suffer in our own private hell if our pain brings us into greater relation with humanity.

I have my first session with my new therapist shortly.
I am in a lot of pain this morning around my marriage, or open-marriage, I should say. I should be precise with my language.

I feel like I am mourning something. Is it my marriage? Is it the family I never had? Something feels like it is missing but I can’t put my finger on it.

I feel like the ideal marriage, the ideal family, the ideal anything will never exist for me. Not someone as broken and fucked up as me! It has to be scraps, it has to be.

I am not unique. This is not an original story. I am not special. This is universal.This yearning for something ideal, is universal. But ideal doesn’t exist. For anyone.

At my heart, though, I don’t know if I am cut out for all this openness, that doesn’t feel all that open anyways. What I want most, more than anything, is to have the closeness and comfort and hot sex that I am reading about happens to couples when they try this with MY HUSBAND. First and foremost. NOT with another man. But if I can’t get that- then what? If I can’t commune with him…

 We are unconsciously driven into the circumstances of our lives.

I chose this. Somehow. Long ago. The contracts we sign before coming into this world. A contract with my husband. A contract with The Ninja. Timing is too weird to not be destined.

Should I seek psychic council? Would that help?

What do you think, God? ( I only use the word god because it has the least amount of vowels and consonants and encapsulates it all- although I cringe a little inside every time I do)

It is  easier and harder to say God. The perfect spiritual paradox

Recognize world sorrow.

I breathe in the pain and frustration of disconnection and sexual shame.
I breathe out love light and compassion for all sentient beings struggling with relationships.

I learned that breathing technique from Pema Chodron. It’s the Tonglen Practice.

She rules. I love her. I wish I could get a hug from her right about now.

I would commune with her in a heartbeat.

chodron

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