A POEM FOR MY POTENTIAL LOVER

What if I could see you right now?
Imagine in an alternate reality
A parallel universe
I drive up to your cabin in the northern California woods
I walk up the wooden stairs to your front door
I stand anxiously under the cow skull
A cow skull I have only seen in photos
you surreptitiously sent
I knock softly, which is dumb because I am sure you not only heard my car pull into the dirt driveway, but my resounding steps echo proudly in the quiet sanctuary of these sacred woods
Listen to the creek
While I wait
What the fuck is taking you so long?
Waiting for you has become the longest shortest time
I almost turn around and go
Back
To safety
To What I know
which is predictable and so uncomfortably comfortable
I am used to not being seen
I am good at hiding
The real me

Whatever

Real me fake me it’s all me
I am hesitant to deny any aspect of myself these days
These days the container is big
It’s huge
So fucking huge
It has to be to hold all the juicy overripe overzealous curious disparate rebellious hungry hurt loving nurturing excited and willing parts of myself

No room for amputations here.

The rug has been ripped out
I am soaring
untethered
unmoored
floating here in this erotic ocean with you
deep blue waters
cold in spots
but warm in others
I seek out the warm spots
Connection meaning honesty integrity sensuality
Avoid the cold
Jealousy fear envy possession

But again

No amputations
Rising and falling like the waves

I hear your footsteps
My heart begins to beat faster and faster
My body begins to tremble
I can’t believe I am here
I can’t believe I made it
I can’t believe this is all okay

I can’t…

What if….

Oh fuck….

The door opens.

And it’s one hell of a fucking hello kiss.

That is my current narrative. I wrote this for my lover while my husband browsed politicol rantings on his Ipad downstairs.

I have not heard from The Ninja all day. That doesn’t bother me.

For me to feel successful as a polyamorist, I must ask myself these questions:

Can I entangle with another without getting head over heels entangled?

Am I capable?

Am I cut out for this job?

Or am I too…needy, clingy, emotional, wanting, desperate….

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