WHAT WE WANT AND DON’T WANT

My husband is worried that I won’t find anyone to date soon enough to quench my sex thirsty soul.

He keeps encouraging me to stop wearing my wedding ring and to “put myself out there.”

It’s strange to hear those words come out of his mouth.
My life feels very surreal.
Everything I thought about marriage and relationships is being turned on its head.
I had no idea there was another way to be married.
It is exciting and terrifying at the same time.
There are so many “I don’t knows” flying around.

I should tell him about The Ninja, but I am oddly nervous to do so.
Tell him not to worry, I have someone waiting in the wings. In fact, he is the main reason I ever half-jokingly suggested polyamory.

I read a blog last night about Polyamory and realized I am not sure that is what I want. As far as I can tell, polyamory involves more complex emotional relationships with more than one person, including but not excluding primaries and secondaries, whereas non-monogamy or open relationships consist of potentially more shallow hook-ups with one end goal in mind.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I want…..

I have no fucking clue what I want.

Or maybe I do.

I want my husband to want me.

But that doesn’t look like it is going to happen, at least not anytime soon, and my hormones are raging, so fuck it, let’s do this.

The idea of being in another “relationship” sounds exhausting. The whole thing sounds exhausting right now. Makes me want to lay down and take a nap.

I want a lover

That is what I want

A lover who is passionate and intelligent

I want to feel skin on skin

I want hands all over my body

To be pulled this way and that

Pushed around

Told what to do

How to do it

Kissed deeply, passionately, forcefully

Hair pulled back

Fire and intensity

Look into my eyes

Keep them open

Fuck me

Now

Take me

A lover for a time

I am on the hunt for a lover.

How French of me.

And on this hunt, I have a cheerleader and a coach, my husband.

Assuring me that I am only negative when I say, who the hell wants this 42-year-old ass??

What about him, though? What does he want? My husband.

He says this isn’t about him. He is just not a sexual person, period. But because I am, highly it seems, I should be allowed to fulfill that part of myself. But him? Apparently he has no needs.

I am not entirely buying this.

I know, only time will tell.

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