I finally told my husband about The Ninja while making dinner tonight.
His reaction was not what I expected.
He seemed genuinely excited for me and asked me when I was driving up to Santa Cruz to spend the weekend with him in his cabin in the woods.
Man this is fucking weird.
And yet I feel so relieved. A huge weight has been lifted.
After dinner and putting our daughter to bed we sat on the couch watching a TV show about relationships and non-monogamy, oddly enough. He tickled my legs like he always does. I have not felt this calm and comfortable around him since we were first dating. Which only lasted three months. But still.
For once in a long time I am not taking everything personally. I don’t feel passive aggressive because my needs are not being met. I am not sitting next to him wondering obsessively about why we haven’t had sex for so long and will we ever again and why doesn’t he want to???
I am more curious about who I am going to meet and what it is going to feel like!
I texted The Ninja and said that I wanted to come visit him. He took a long time responding. I wondered if he was with someone else. And it didn’t bother me in the least. I thought what if The Ninja rejects me too? And the next thought that came was, “It’s all thoughts and feelings. Thinking makes me feel a certain way and feeling makes me think a certain way and it’s all just intertwined and wound up in the moments that keep passing but they aren’t really passing because everything that I am was or will be is completely now. And superficially it’s these thoughts and feelings but deep down?? Or deep outside?? Great mind, the mantra, takes me way out, to the streets of China, the slums of India and the Swiss Alps. I feel like I am a part of every single thing that exists in this universe. I see the show for what it is. And I love it. Because right now I don’t feel like a slave to it. I feel liberated, like no matter what comes down the pike for me at the moment, it’s all okay. It will pass and change as everything does with every new breath and thought.”
It’s some real non-dual shit.
The Ninja finally responded. And it wasn’t the response I wanted. Damn. There goes all that spirituality.
Now I feel like crying. I feel a little lost. Untethered. But not in a good way. In a scary I have nothing to hold onto, and I will be lost way.
Connect to self.
Ground myself in my body.
Feel my feet on the floor. My butt in the chair.
Look around at the room. That is a table. That is a bookcase.
I am all things.
I contain all things.
In group meditation last night, I practiced the loving kindness technique of loving ALL parts of myself. I saw zombie like poltergeist demons. Skeletons with skin hanging off and sunken empty eye sockets screaming in pain. I held them. I rocked them. I told them I loved them.
I saw the Me with that one ex you can’t forget. The needy dependant anxious nervous rigid terrified manipulating unhappy woman who refused to leave an extremely toxic relationship because she didn’t think she could support herself. Financially. She is so shaky. Like a trembling leaf. I Love her.
The girl that would sleep with your boyfriend if he gave her an ounce of attention. So desperate for validation and affirmation that she is wanted, chosen, and desired. She burns with a grand canyon deep shame. I love her.
The greedy selfish girl that doesn’t think of others. Only of herself. Would walk in front of an old lady trying to get into the bathroom. Is so self obsessed she doesn’t even know she’s cutting in line or being rude. She is oblivious. She is working over time to compensate for the lack. I love her.
The strong sensual woman. The spiritual woman. The women in me I make fun of, because they aren’t punk rock or cool enough for me. A woman fully grounded in her body and her heart. Open hearted. Big mad crazy full wild real love. I love them too.
The faery that dances around in the forest, nefarious and capricious. She giggles a lot. She loves having fun. Her best friends are pixies and sprites. I love her too.
The male lion. The predator that wants to hunt and be hunted. That erotic dance of kill or be killed. I am a little afraid of her, but I still love her/him.
And lastly, the she wolf. She roams alone. Isolated. Looking out only for her pup, Her child. Intense. Mothering. Nurturing. Protective. Looking for a mate that is strong enough, wild enough, smart enough, and fierce enough to match her and protect her offspring. I love her maybe the most. She is my heart.
I dreamed about my husband last night. I never dream about him. I dreamed he had a notebook with poems from past lovers in it, and I was reading one from his high school sweetheart. I started screaming at him, “Why don’t you have any poems from ME in here??? Why don’t you love me???? Like you love her???”
I woke up crying.