Last night My Husband and I sat side by side on the couch and created our OkCupid profiles. We were both very honest. I wrote that I was a sober married mother looking to explore polyamory and non-monogamy and if that didn’t deter you, then carry on, warrior. He wrote a similar thing. It was fun to scroll through potential dates together, remarking, “Oh she is cute!” “He looks promising!”

I have to say, being that honest and open and playful made me feel close to him in a way I never have. Like we were true compatriots. A real team. It was everything the books described. Closeness and connection. Shit I crave with every fiber of my being. I went to bed with a full heart and nothing but love for that man. 

Today, I witnessed the emotional waves rising and falling in response.

I experienced moments of excitement and titillation that we were embarking together on such a new and adventurous path.

And then I was hit by waves of self-pity and sadness that yet, once again, I would not have the “traditional” family I so craved.

Then I went on OKCupid and got sucked down the rabbit hole of that inquiry.

There was Clamjammer. I think he was my favorite. Or the self-proclaimed “handsome guy” who needs a woman with healthy hair. I can’t believe I responded to his message, but I did, whatever, I am new to this, however, after about three exchanges he said he only wanted me, to give him, oral sex. I felt dirty and repugnant.

At lunch with My Husband today we joked about the ridiculousness of internet dating. I could tell though, he was a little sad that he wasn’t getting as much attention as me. I did not know how to comfort him.

Later in the afternoon I spoke with The Ninja on the phone.We had an hour-long conversation while My Husband worked outside in the garden. The Ninja was very excited about the new circumstances and wanted to make sure he was not “doing any harm” to My Husband. I assured him he was not. That I was being encouraged to explore anything and everything with him. He immediately became quite animated and started talking about erotic art and threesomes. He has an exquisite African- American female friend he has threesomes with, apparently, who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, who he thinks I would love and who he knows would love me.


I felt slightly self-conscious having this conversation within earshot of My Husband but then turned on as well.

Is this what they mean by “evolved?”


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