It is Saturday morning, and I am leaving for yoga. After yoga, I have my first tea date with a British guy from OkCupid. I am a little nervous about it, not much, just a little.
I made the mistake of reading my husband’s profile on OkCupid before I left. I wasn’t looking for it, the website made us a match, so I perused. I was shocked to find that he had changed some of the wording overnight. Instead of what we wrote together he changed it to something like this, “Hi, I am a married man experimenting with non-monogamy because my wife and I love our daughter tremendously and will stay married until it makes sense not to be so anymore.”
Huh??? What. The. Fuck.
That doesn’t sound right to me at all.
I had confronted him before I left. He told me he changed the wording because he was jealous I was getting more “likes”, and he thought that this way, he would get more “likes” too. I told him he was an idiot, and that he was either being duplicitous to any potential her or me. So who was it?
He didn’t know. He got flustered and said it was not worth it and was going to shut it down. Experiment fail.
I felt despondent and confused as I walked out the door.
I should have seen the red flag waving right in my face, but I chose to ignore it. Once again.
Yoga was great. The tea date was great. He was super intelligent and interesting, a geneticist, so we had TONS to talk about. I sat with him for almost two hours. But alas, there was no physical chemistry.
I keep thinking about the non-monogamous married guy who lives around the corner. He was so cute, dammit. Why hasn’t he emailed me back?? So frustrating. I hate waiting. I suck at it.
I might be way too anxious for this shit.
I hate OkCupid. I got into some weird argument with a douchebag who calls himself-naughtybutnice.
I have to stop. This experiment is bringing out the worst in me and human nature.
I was annoyed talking to The Ninja on the phone tonight. I just wanted him to stop talking. He wants photos. Asked me why I was afraid to send them. I said I was shy. I just don’t feel like taking pictures of myself. He told me he wanted me to inject some goofy into my shy and send him the photos already. I felt small and weird like I don’t belong anywhere. To anyone. And that scares me.
As much as I hate waiting and hate not knowing, I also know how good it is for me to sit in all these uncomfortable emotions. I am going to be a dating ninja soon. I can feel it.
But not yet.
I am not enjoying all these feelings. I can sit with this. I have to sit with this. I will be okay. I am not going to die.
This too shall pass.