I feel sick to my stomach. Like my marriage is over.
My options are to either take a drink or come to believe that God can and will.
I’m at the crossroads.
To either accept a spiritual solution or die an alcoholic death.
I am powerless over My Husband.
This whole non-monogamy thing is making my life unmanageable.
What will my decision be?
Am I miserable enough?
How do I honestly feel about polyamory and non-monogamy?
Is it the next evolutionary step or am I trying to contort myself once again for another Him?
I disabled my OkCupid account.
Sweet relief. The addictive compulsion to keep checking it is gone.
I can breathe again.
Although I did make sure the cute married non-monogamous guy living down the hill in Highland Park, know, that I was leaving and of course, gave him my personal email.
To which he promptly replied.
I felt the dopamine rush the second I read his message. Felt it fire in my brain and course through my body in a millisecond, erasing all my self pity and sadness. Poof! Gone!
And…self-pity and sadness are back!
My Husband came home tonight and asked me if I would be okay with him having tea with a woman he was dating right before me that he always really liked but stopped seeing because he met me.
This scenario feels way different to me than if he was having a date with a stranger. There is a history here. Has he been thinking about her this entire time??
I, of course, said it was fine. I’m cool, man! I can do this!
I tried to have sex with My Husband before bed. He wanted nothing to do with me. I asked him if he had any plans to have sex with me ever again. He looked at me like a deer in headlights and said he couldn’t answer that question right then.
I can’t sleep now.
I don’t know if I can live like this.
THIS is different than I thought it was.
I thought we were trying this polyamory thing to get closer, to have better sex, with each other.
I am beginning to think, he wants to do this to get farther apart.
As far apart from me as he can.