I am in the Twilight Zone on Warp Speed.

What the fuck happened?

One day I was married, talking about saving up to buy a house and the next I am moving into a smaller place wondering how we are going to pay two rents.

I spent the day having playdates with mommies I love.

We spent the afternoon in the backyard drinking tea while our children played around us.

It has been three days since My Husband, and I decided to split. He is still living in the house. He can’t move into his ex-girlfriend’s place for another couple of days. She has houseguests that need to leave, apparently. So we are stuck in limbo land.

I feel numb.

Later that evening I went to Trader Joe’s with my brother and a friend. I saw an old man staring blankly at a box of cookies, and I could hear My Husband’s voice in my head, pretending to be the old man, and in an old man’s voice, making me laugh.  I had to leave the store; I suddenly couldn’t stop crying.

I have always loved the way he made me laugh.

We have also spent a lot of time at Trader Joe’s together.

As a family.

It was there, outside of Trader Joe’s, that the realization of the dissolution of my family hit me like a mac truck, and I ached for the man I fell in love with years ago.

But that man has been gone for years.

I am in love with a phantom.

A ghost.

And I have never felt so cold or alone.


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