I am in the Twilight Zone on Warp Speed.
What the fuck happened?
One day I was married, talking about saving up to buy a house and the next I am moving into a smaller place wondering how we are going to pay two rents.
I spent the day having playdates with mommies I love.
We spent the afternoon in the backyard drinking tea while our children played around us.
It has been three days since My Husband, and I decided to split. He is still living in the house. He can’t move into his ex-girlfriend’s place for another couple of days. She has houseguests that need to leave, apparently. So we are stuck in limbo land.
I feel numb.
Later that evening I went to Trader Joe’s with my brother and a friend. I saw an old man staring blankly at a box of cookies, and I could hear My Husband’s voice in my head, pretending to be the old man, and in an old man’s voice, making me laugh. I had to leave the store; I suddenly couldn’t stop crying.
I have always loved the way he made me laugh.
We have also spent a lot of time at Trader Joe’s together.
As a family.
It was there, outside of Trader Joe’s, that the realization of the dissolution of my family hit me like a mac truck, and I ached for the man I fell in love with years ago.
But that man has been gone for years.
I am in love with a phantom.
And I have never felt so cold or alone.