The Aftermath.

I can’t believe I fucked Highland Park in the backseat of his station wagon last night.

I also can’t believe I don’t feel shame.

I have felt shame, searing scorching shame, after possibly, 75% of my sexual encounters.

So this is a new experience.

Especially since he is married and in an open relationship, and I am married and my marriage is over.

How do I feel?

I want to connect with him again. I sent him a text driving home. I have not heard anything back. I feel like I am too old for this shit.

My polyamorous friend warned me to Take It Slow.

I don’t take anything slow.

I am screwed, aren’t I?

I and he and this situation are not a good combination.

I have no idea where this is going.

It isn’t going anywhere.
There is nowhere for this to go.

It only has one ending, and it is a dead end.

Can this be enough?

Just sex?

For me.

I don’t know. But I am willing to find out.

He is a person. A fascinating intriguing lovely person.

I had an incredibly hot experience.

Stop worrying about it .

I want to write him an email I will never send.

I think it would go something like this

Dear Highland Park,

I think that you were sent to me as some sort of radical awesome amazing lovely sexy passionate raw intelligent funny validating and exciting gift. I needed what happened last night on so many levels and for so many reasons. 

I want you to know that I am treading foreign waters and have no clue what the parameters and boundaries are, or should be. I am imploring you to speak up at any moment and let me know what you need from me, or what you don’t.

I have nothing but the utmost respect for you, your family, and your marriage, and I am under no delusion that this is anything other than what it can be.

Totally fun and incredibly sexy.

I feel so comfortable with you. It’s weird and mesmerizing and is serving a much needed purpose in my life. I could never just have sex with someone I didn’t feel this way with. You are unique. To me.

I am perfectly happy to ride this erotic wave for as long as it takes us and then to bow out gracefully when it doesn’t serve either of our highest good any longer.

I am at your disposal.

Should I send it??

Maybe not tonight.

Maybe sleep on it. I think.

My Husband was not happy with me last night when I got home. He slept on the couch. It’s been an emotional day for me. We had a “family day” that I felt like I endured. My passive aggressive anger is bubbling up more and more. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the throat and call him a fucking cold-hearted liar.

But I don’t.

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