DOPAMINE HITS

The email I am dying to send:

Dear Highland Park,

I feel like I need to communicate something and since I hate talking on the phone, and it’s too wordy for text, and I write better than I speak anyhow…

I want to thank you for the wild, sexy, rad experience in the back seat of your Passat. That was something else. I feel like I unleashed a snippet of what four years of repressed sexuality look like on you. I would never have done that if I wasn’t so strangely comfortable with you and insanely attracted at the same time. I feel like I know you. But I don’t. And that is the truth.

So I thought I would tell you what I am looking for, and you can mull it over and let me know if it works for you or not.

I want a lover. Not a boyfriend. Not a relationship. Which, in my mind, works perfectly with your situation.

I want to have sex, incredible passionate connected sex, with the same person. I don’t want to have sex with many different people. Just not my style. Plus I know we both are clean. And that’s a big plus.

But I totally respect your marriage and family first and foremost and want to leave it up to you to let me know how you wish to play this.

And if what I am asking for is too intense or feels like too much- just let me know. I would totally understand, no hard feelings at all.

You set a high bar for anyone else. 😉

Hope you have a wonderful family trip in Zion.

———————————————————————-

Do I sound as desperate as I feel?

I don’t know what it is with this guy, but it is something.

My Husband and I divided up all the photos tonight. While we were discussing who gets what and why, My Husband spoke to me in the most heartfelt and vulnerable way I have ever seen or heard him.

He told me how grateful he was that he had me in his life forever. And that he couldn’t imagine life without me in it. I told him it was nice to hear that because I wasn’t even sure he liked who I was as a human being all that much. He lamented that he would most likely not ever be able to sustain a long term relationship. And I told him that if he never worked on himself and just kept wondering why the fire goes out then yes, he most likely never would. But that didn’t mean it was impossible. For him or me.

I have no doubt I will be happy with someone long term.

No doubt.

I can’t believe I have had so much sex with people I did not feel compatible with or connected to. It’s baffling.

I just read a book about blow-jobs, and I do everything they say to do- according to them, I am a pro. Fuck My Husband. And hand jobs. He’s high. I can give em as good as they come. Pun intended!

I think this has been the wildest few weeks of my life. It seems like there is some significant new development lurking behind every sunrise.

Oh man. I just remembered that I am the main speaker at a pretty big Alcoholics Anonymous meeting tonight. What the fuck am I going to talk about? Can I talk about this???

I can only speak to my experience, and this is the experience I am in.

I have no clue about God. I don’t even like calling it God. I feel utterly stupid and awkward praying to it. Maybe because talking to it anthropomorphizes it and it is so not human to me.

Do I talk about sex? Polyamory? Non-Monogamy? Ha. No. I don’t.

But those are the subjects I am deep in, right now. This minute. I want to have polyamorous sex with Highland Park. ALL. THE. TIME.

I went to dinner with my brother and a few friends. We laughed and joked about Highland Park. They gave me advice about the email, if I should send it, when I should send it. etc. They thought I should wait, or not send it at all. They are all single. I took their advice with a grain of salt.

We went to the meeting, and I felt strangely peaceful. My only goal was to say something that might be helpful, hopefully, to someone else. I had no idea the someone would be me.

A line from the readings stuck out to me: “the alcoholic experiences a profound alteration in their reaction to life.”

It is from a part of the book where William James, the philosopher, and psychologist, describes a spiritual experience.

It is so simple and beautiful in its simplicity.

I have heard that sentence a million times, but tonight, I heard it differently.

I am having a spiritual experience. I am experiencing a profound alteration in my reaction to life.

I am not reacting to my current circumstances in a way I ever have before. I am in some sort of grace. I don’t know what else to call it. But I know, based on irrefutable evidence, that I am loved beyond my ability to comprehend by something greater than me and that all of this transition, upheaval, and change is not only good, it is glorious.

Even though My Husband doesn’t cherish me, or want me, or even if Highland Park rejects me- I am not alone, I am loved. I am whole. Right now. As I am. I have done nothing wrong. I deserve to feel good. I deserve to have connected passionate sex. I deserve to feel sexy and appreciated. My body to be touched and rubbed. To orgasm many times. To enjoy giving head. To love all of it. Oh man. I am so hungry for that. I am ready.

But this higher power, this LOVE is in charge. I do the footwork and leave the results up to LOVE.

I sent the email when I got home. It felt right against all odd.

We’ll see what happens.

I fell asleep calm and confident. I awoke three hours later in a panic attack. My mind was racing. They were right. I should not have sent the email. It is too much. Too early. I am too much.

I am too much.

Chemicals raced through my body inhibiting any relaxation until I finally got up around 3 am and just fucking checked my damn email.

There was a response, from him.

My stomach flipped and my heart raced as I opened it up.

It read:

Dear you,

I sincerely appreciate your letter.  I wish I had more time to respond to such a thoughtful and honest message.  I’m headed to bed now, but just saw this and wanted to get you a few words before I’m incommunicado for the next several days.

No thanks is necessary of course for our experience together – it was incredible and exhilarating for me also.  I feel like we can trust each other and be honest to the fullest degree.  Maybe that’s naive and as you say, we really don’t actually, really know each other.  We do feel comfortable with each other, though and I think we can trust in that at the very least.

I can relate to where you are coming from in terms of what you seek.  If we can give each other something we value as lovers and we do so while maintaining respect for one another, then I think we are very fortunate souls.

I also appreciate what you have to say about my family, boundaries, and levels of intensity.  I like intense –  of course I’m not always in the best position to respond, but I feel like you understand that and you can obviously relate to the family context.

I am interested in exploring this fully, and exclusively with you.  I wish I could elaborate more now, but, I’m in.  I’m incredibly excited about seeing you again.  I can hardly contain myself right now as I write that.

I look forward to seeing you as soon as possible.  Thank you for your too kind words and your incredible fucking spirit.  I want more!

Good night, me.

———————————————————————————————–

At the end, dopamine and endorphins flooded my body and my brain. I could feel the wave. It was warm. Soothing. Delicious. Everything relaxed. I tingled. I felt wanted. Desired. Appreciated. Entirely heard, and Seen.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensations coursing through my body.

When they started to wane, I took another hit. Felt the warm rush. Bathed in it a little. Another hit. It is a drug. I want more.

This was how it all began:

She sat at the bar with a non-alcoholic beer in her hand, shakily awaiting the man she had only met on-line. Her husband waited at home. He had helped her pick out her outfit. Telling her which dress was sexier.

dopamine

2 thoughts on “DOPAMINE HITS

  1. Wow! You owe me a good 2 hours or so of my life back after feeling almost compelled to read every word of your blog. What a ride, made great not just because of the story but also because of your skill in writing about it. Thanks!

    As a note, it’s pretty amazing how much growth you’ve gone through over the course of the blog. I’m not known for my eloquence, so I’ll just go with “You go girl!”. 😉

    Like

    1. Wow to you. THANK YOU for not only your kind words but for taking the time to read the entire blog! I am honored, amazed, and so moved. The posts are about 3 months behind so just you wait…the hits, they just keep comin! Seriously, I could use with a little break from growing about now. It would be nice to be stuck for a bit! You rule. I love you. Thank you again.

      Liked by 1 person

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