My daughter is asleep, and I sit here in a half-packed house that I used to call home.
All the photos and paintings are off the walls.
Boxes taped, lined up, and marked for their alternate destinations, his and mine.
We have divided up the kitchen, the bathroom, the books.
Nothing left but clothes, plates, and furniture.
Oh, and me.
I am still being divided up into tiny little pieces.
I was numb all day after what he said about our marriage meaning nothing to him.
I know I should feel rage.
But where is it?
Have I finally surrendered?
Or is this just apathetic defeat?
I have no fight left in me.
I want to move on.
I want to create a new home for my daughter and me.
One with pink walls and too many pillows on the bed.
I have come to believe.
I KNOW there is a love force thing that is accessible at any time.
And I understand something now that has eluded me for so long, that the love exists no matter what, even if shitty things are happening. Even if the most shitty thing in the world happens, even if your greatest fear comes true, that love is still there.
I totally understand the story of Jesus now more than I ever did.
Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.
That is some unconditional fucking love, right there.
And shitty things are going to happen. They just are.
And if I do anything right in this role as a mother, it is to impart to my precious daughter that no matter what, she is loved unconditionally too.
I can’t wait to fuck Highland Park again.
I am going to tear that man’s shit up.
I don’t know if he’ll even get a chance to say a few words before his clothes will be off and his lips on mine.
He has the best lips. Oh man. The way he kisses me. The way he feels. The way he touches. Tastes. Smells. That is some chemistry right there. A kind of chemistry I have not encountered before.
It’s hot, and it’s comfortable.
Usually, it’s hot and slightly uncomfortable or super comfortable and not that hot.
He is unusual.
I am going to appreciate it for as long as I can and do my best to expect nothing more.
A practice in non-attachment.
Good luck with that.