COLLATERAL DAMAGE

I am quiet right now. I feel numb. Small.

Disconnected.

I know how to ride the waves of sadness. It’s easy, they come in sets, I cry, I moan, sometimes I end up on the floor, but I always get back up.

Ground myself. Then move on.

But the rage.

I don’t know how to ride that wave.

It barrels down on me and I can’t escape it. Yet it is never directed at the thing I am angry at.

My Husband.

It gets directed at something or someone else that reminds me, of him. And our situation.

Like our landlord and the fence.

My reaction is inappropriate. My Husband says. I sent our landlord an email that had ALL CAPS in it. How rude of me. I am not supposed to be angry. I can’t be angry.

But I am really fucking angry.

I am not angry that our marriage is over.

I am angry that he kept me around for so long.

I am angry that I stayed with someone who didn’t love me, who devalued me, and who kept me small.

I want to rage at my “anxiety attachment” style

I want to kick his “avoidant attachment” style in the balls

I want to change our past so that our present can look different

Mainly for our daughter

For her

I will be okay

I have to believe

So will she

She will not be collateral damage

I will not allow it

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