What was that???

Highland Park came over around 8. He was sick. I knew that. I didn’t care. I wanted to see him. Selfish little me.

We sat on my couch drinking mint tea, eating pomegranate seeds, talking about…HIS WIFE, for 3 HOURS!!!

I almost lost my mind.

I was so turned off by the whole thing.

I felt like an idiot and questioned everything. I wanted him to stop talking and just to go home to his wife. I didn’t wish to play marriage counselor anymore. This was not the kind of role-playing I had in mind.

I played the part well, though. He had no idea I was seething with resentment.

He talked on and on about the sex they had or didn’t have, and I saw his anxiety. His sadness. His confusion with her. She is avoidant. She holds him at arms length. He wants connection. Just like me.

But what made him happy, was how their new open-marriage was bringing them closer than ever.

I died a little inside.

I get it. I thought.

I got it.

This is just sex. That is all it is or ever will be.

But it’s really good sex, was the next thought.

Do I give that up just because he will never be mine?
What does it even mean to be mine? Do I even believe in that possessive bullshit anymore?

I might not.

I might be a convert. For reals.

I don’t think I care if someone fucks someone else. I just need to be the emotional number, one babe.

And THAT I never had with my Husband. I was never number one. I was always number two, behind his ex, and it drove me insane.

And just when I thought Highland Park was finally finished rambling on he touched me.

That was all.

He lightly touched my leg with a slight smile on his lips and suggested that we could merely lay down next to each other if we wanted to. That it would be a travesty not to, at the very least, even if he didn’t feel up to the task of full on fucking.

I yanked him into the bedroom faster than you could say “do me now.”

We kissed.
That kiss.
I didn’t give a fuck if I got deathly ill from it.
I wanted his lips on mine.
It was the most singular thing I cared about at the moment.
The clothes were off.
And he said I could do with him what I would.
And I did.
I straddled him.
I told him to talk dirty to me like he did to his wife.
And he did.
He’s good.
Real good.
I came on top of him!
From just sex- no vibrator or hands or nothing!
That hasn’t happened in a long
It lasted for almost 3 minutes
The coming
Feels so safe and erotic
His eyes
Man, the way he looks at me
He looks at his wife the same way
I have to remember that
My legs cramped, and I maneuvered around beside him
I asked him to touch himself for me
To let me watch
I gave him some lube
I love watching men jerk themselves off
It’s incredibly sexy to me
Watching a man’s hand manipulate
I learn so much about them
Little secrets
Ways they want to be touched
How hard
How soft
How to mix it up
What to pay attention to
How much ball play is required
I took notes
I touched myself too
I came again
Two times in one night!


NEVER happened to me
I think I strained my hand muscles

He never came, he had a fever, he was on fire
And he couldn’t come
He gave up; it was time to move on. It was one in the morning. Ridiculously late.
He got up to leave and seemed woozy and out of it. I felt awful suddenly. Like it was all my fault, somehow. That I had forced him to stay this late and to PLEASURE ME!! DAMMIT!
Even though..

Even though…

After he left and closed the gate, I tried desperately to sleep but found it extremely challenging

I felt sick inside
I felt shame
I felt sad and selfish.

This open-marriage polyamory stuff is hard.

3 thoughts on “GOOD AND HARD

  1. It sounds like you are both just starting your journeys into poly and have settled into the all too common hierarchy of primary/secondary. But rather than associating those terms with the time spent together, finances, etc – you seem to be considering yourself as a secondary person and that he loves you less than her. This is certainly a painful way to live!

    Darlin’ I don’t know you. I don’t know your life. But I certainly see your pain. If you intend to continue this path (even if not), I’d recommend buying and reading “More Than Two” by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. It’s a bit of a long read, but I really think you’ll see things a little more clearly after.

    Good luck and please remember that the only person who can truly bring you happiness looks at you every morning in the mirror.


    1. Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment! I really appreciated it and will definitely check out that book. I think one of the issues with this situation is that the couple never intended to be poly, they wanted simply an open-marriage where they slept with other people, but didn’t fall in love. I hung out with the wife by myself last night for the first time and she admitted as much, that I was not what they “bargained” for and so that is why she asked him to end it with me. Which I have not gotten to in my blog, but it’s coming.
      And the self-love thing is SO BIG. That is my main priority today. Thank you for reminding me of that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am so happy to hear that you are looking out for yourself (even if needing a little prodding). I am sorry to hear about the story you have yet to post. I’ll read it when it comes. Please remember that you are much more than the sum of your relationships. Remember to love yourself along with anyone else with whom you choose to share your heart.

        *hugs if you want them*


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