THE BIG EASY

Highland Park is sick.
I have not seen him for days.
I miss sexting.
I miss the connection.
I feel myself shutting down.

On top of that, my four-year-old daughter has one of those terrible barking coughs that makes a mother’s heart hurt for her child.

I have been up for the past few nights intermittently cycling through honey, steamy bathroom, and walks outside in the cool air. Nothing seems to work. I am at my wits end.

Exhaustion is a bitch.

I screamed at her SCREAMED at her TWICE today before we went to therapy together.

Thank God for my therapist. I learned so much. I calmed down.

I got this. I thought to myself.

It’s so fucking hard alone. My ex doesn’t deal with this. The barking at his head throughout the night. The guilt of losing his temper.

Goddamn him.

I feel so rejected by My Husband. rejected and abandoned.

Fuck him.

I am changing our daughter’s name. Her middle name is currently his mother’s.

Not anymore.

I contacted LegalZoom today and filled out the paperwork. I am changing our daughter’s middle name from his mother’s first name to my middle name.

I imagine how confusing that all must sound, but trust me, it is a good idea.

Do I have to be friends with his family?

I mean, pretend to be?

I barely even know these people. It seems ridiculous to remain friends with the family of the man that dumped you.I would rather just move on. They keep reaching out and wanting to know how I am. I reply. Reluctantly.

I am thinking about taking ayahuasca again.

I am not feeling AA.

I don’t feel like being rigid anymore.

As I was spiraling out in my negativity, my phone beeped.

Highland Park.

He wrote that he is horny as hell and wants to find me again.

I felt the serotonin and dopamine flood me like a tsunami.

And I was on again.

It’s too easy. I am too easy.

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