NOT TOUGH ENOUGH FOR THIS

Polyamory sucks today.

Highland Park canceled last minute today with no rescheduling because his wife wanted him to take the car in, or some other stupid domestic bullshit like that.

I feel so easily disregarded as “second.”

I want to be someone’s primary.

I want someone to love me like he loves his wife.

As a “second” I don’t know how to ask for what I need or what I want. I am constantly aware of how my words and actions might affect his wife, and I want to be respectful.

I want to share with him things from my life.

But I don’t.

I want more connection.

I think I am worthy of more.

Whoa.

Don’t go too far now.

Just go to bed.

I am having a riotous self-pity party because Highland Park had to cancel and couldn’t stop by tonight.

It hurts.

Not gonna lie.

It hurts.

I may not be tough enough for this job.

9 thoughts on “NOT TOUGH ENOUGH FOR THIS

  1. I would suggest reading More Than Two, or at least the More Than Two blog. It has some good articles on secondary rights. Just because he has a wife doesn’t mean he should be able to cancel on you for trivial reasons. Everyone’s approach to poly is different, but general wisdom is that that isn’t okay. Not, in my opinion, should his wife have to approve every date you two make. Are they by any chance new to poly? This makes me mad.

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  2. Thank you so much! I will certainly check that out. I think you hit the nail on the head, this couple is brand new to poly, in fact, they thought they only wanted an open-marriage but then I came along and seems as though our experience is becoming more poly without either of them fully understanding what that means or requires. I have read more about it and although this is also my first experience, I am so happy to know that not all “secondary” relationships have to feel this shitty. I love the idea of poly and want to hear about other people’s positive experiences with it.

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  3. I’m relatively new to poly too, and so are my boyfriend and his wife, and there has definitely been a lot of learning involved. It has been hard and painful at times, especially due to things like couple privilege, where someone thinks that because they’re the married partner their feelings and wants should always come first. With what happened to you today, it seems like s power thing–it happens a lot when there is a new lover. The established partner wants to reassure themselves that they are still the most important person in their partner’s life, so they do things like pull rank and undermine the newer relationship.

    I experience the same thing more often than I would like to, so it’s not like I have it all figured out either. I am committed to working through the painful bits as long as I am being heard and real steps are being taken to improve things.
    Good luck.

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  4. I love that you call him your boyfriend! I wanted that. I admire your commitment. I think, based on your story, I might consider being in another poly relationship. It seemed pretty dismal before.

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  5. Relationships are whatever you want them to be. If you want more from HP then tell him. If he’s not willing to give you more then be prepared to move on. If he does something that hurts you then explain it to him. You definitely deserve to find the relationship you want!

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    1. It has come to that. Like I was just replying to another wonderful person, is that I wanted polyamory and they he just wanted sex. Therein lies the problem. It’s too bad too, because polyamory sounds so interesting, compelling, complex, and challenging to me. I am very curious.

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  6. I’ve been married to my hubby for 25 years but I have a partner of 2 years. There is minimal difference in how they are treated. It is important that you get a say in how your relationship unfolds, that you have self determination. Poly takes negotiating and relationships evolve as the people in them grow, so do not feel you have to accept someone else having more say in your relationship than you do. More than Two is a great resource, one of the best for consensual, ethical non-monogamy.

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    1. You are so right. I wish I had read that book or blog beforehand. I realize now, after some time, that the main problem here is that I was interested in Polyamory and Highland Park only wanted sex. I had to walk away, eventually. I know more now. Hindsight is such a bitch, sometimes.

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