SINGLE MOM

Being a single mom is fucking hard.

I am not prepared for this. I am not grown up enough to do this on my own. I need a partner. Or so I think.

I have to change my mind about it; change your life by changing your mind. Or some other Buddhist shit like that.

So here I am- changing my mind.

It is not hard that we are alone 80% of the time, it is AWESOME that we get to spend so much quality time together. I can co-sleep if I want to! I can be an empathetic parent without his hard judgmental gaze glaring down upon me like lasers boring into my soul, making me feel insecure and wishy-washy.

And then, while I am riding my new wave of parenting positivity, she takes a nap at school and doesn’t go to bed until 10:30 pm. I lost my shit. She cried. I cried. It was intense. From 3:30 pm, when I picked her up from school until 10:30 pm she needed me, to be near her, at all times. Talking to me, constantly. The incessant babble of a four-year-old is mind numbing. I know it has to do with the separation, I know, so I can’t be too hard on her. But this shit just breaks my heart and my resolve.

I feel like a fucking failure as a parent because I desperately wanted a break.

I needed a break, and I hate myself for that.

I don’t have balance yet. It is still too new. I am reeling from the transition of living as a family to living alone, just the two of us. I can’t even imagine how she feels about it. I know the depth of my grief alone.

It is almost midnight, and I think I can finally go to sleep now.

Soon it will be the morning.
Then we do it all over again.

Let go.

I can’t write for shit right now. I am so fucking tired.

I am going to bed. She is finally asleep. Let’s sleep.

Love is all there is.

 

2 thoughts on “SINGLE MOM

  1. Parenting is hard. Single parenting has got to be exceedingly hard. Does the ex give you any respite? You need to not lose yourself in your parenting. That’s important, and very difficult as a single parent I imagine. Hopefully the ex spends time with his daughter regularly and so gives you a break.

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  2. As a single parent of 3, I hear you. The good points are great and the rough ones are just plain shitty! You are NOT a failure at this. Stay strong momma tomorrow is a new day!

    Like

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