THE FAIR

This morning my soon-to-be-at-some-point ex-husband invited me to go camping with him, his ex-girlfriend (best-friend) all their friends, and our daughter. I felt like an afterthought. It is the strangest of feelings, being invited to join my ex and my daughter on a trip. Invited. Not automatically going. And camping. We never camped as a family. He never wanted to. He was so casual about it too. I am not sure if he is sadistic or just oblivious.

I crave strong arms to fall into and weep. I am not familiar with comfort. I have not allowed myself to be comforted much in my life. Mainly because I have always had to do it for myself. I usually find a closet to curl up in the fetal position; a small, dark space. Or alone in my car. Preferably not while driving.

My mother was not very comforting to me. Neither were my step-fathers. I crave and yet am repelled by nurturing and intimacy. My idea of God at times is this opulent black woman whose bosom is infinite.

My therapist suggests I cultivate an internal mother to comfort me through this. I want to fall to the floor, pound my fists, kick my feet, and wail about the unfairness of always having to do it for myself.

My fear is that if I get too good at parenting myself, I won’t need anyone else, and then I will be so independent I will be alone for the rest of my life.

This is not a fact. It is a false belief. I know this. In my head. But my heart, that is another matter entirely.

My therapist is helping me to believe that parenting myself does not shore me up for isolation but opens me up to finding arms worthy of holding me, because I finally, feel worthy of being held.

I learn to parent myself so I can be discerning, not so I can be alone.

Ahh. Now I get it.

Bring the self-parenting on! I am into this shit!!!

My ex-husband person came by tonight to have dinner with us, and he keeps oiling my cutting board. I think it’s his way of showing he cares.

AND

My lover that I never get to see because his wife isn’t cool with everything is most likely my sexual soul mate. That fucking sucks. Talk about unfair. I have been waiting my whole life to have this kind of sex, and I can’t have it.

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