I got my period today. I don’t think that rationalizes my wildly vacillating emotions towards Highland Park, entirely, but I am sensing a pattern. I hear from him. I get all fired up, hot and bothered. Then he’s gone. And I am left cold out in the fucking icy wind. And I think I hate him. And I realize the anger is because I am so profoundly sad that this is my story today. That I found someone I could fuck forever and not get bored, and I can’t even get him to…oh I just lost steam with that sentence. I can’t even finish the thought.
I hear my therapists warm, loving voice in my head.
She said a word yesterday that struck me in the heart.
She said I know that word. Too well. From my childhood and on.
Time to do something about it.
I don’t want to feel disregarded anymore.
I thought about how considerate Highland Park is with his wife’s feelings, how he runs everything about me, by her. Then I thought about how he slept with that other woman from before. How we told me he was going to hang out with her, because she wanted to “catch up” before she left town. And I felt an arrow pierce my fucking flimsy heart. I mean, for one, did he really think she just wanted to “Catch up?” is he a fucking idiot?? And secondly, he didn’t ask me how I felt about that???? At least, he told me that he was seeing her. He did do that. My ex-husband couldn’t even tell me if he was having lunch with his ex. Or long walks around the lake together. Or that she was making him lunch at her house.
I feel so fucking disregarded right now.