DROP THE ROCK

My Ex and I took our four-year-old daughter camping this weekend with her entire preschool.

I have been begging for us to do something like this forever.

He never would.

I don’t think he wanted to be alone with me. I think he stopped liking me as a human being.

So it was bittersweet.

We had one fight during lunch before we even made it to the campground where I had to walk outside and take a few deep breaths.

Somehow we patched things up and arrived in one piece as a pseudo family.

For the remainder of the trip, we acted like a little family. A broken little family.

Strange. Exhausting. Enlightening.

I can’t even write I am so fucking tired.

I want a new fantasy.

I miss my muse.

He is coming over tomorrow night.

The question is: do I do yoga with his wife beforehand or not?

A fantasy I sent him:

A long hard ride on your motorcycle

Heading up the coast

A perfectly overcast day

Like today

My legs spread behind you

My crotch pushed hard up against you

My breasts held firm to your back

I rest my head between your shoulder blades

Wrapping my arms around you

One hand on your chest

The other between your legs

Begging you to stop

Pull over

And fuck me

Up against a limestone rock

He responded with:

Oh god, you are describing my eternal fantasies.

How can we be so mentally connected? It is tripping me out. I feel so sexually ignited and free.

We have a date tonight. I am so excited. I told him I wanted him fiercely. I lit candles and made myself smell real pretty. I was waiting in my candle-lit living room when at 8:15 (he was supposed to be here by 8 pm) I received this text:

Hi fierce lady, I was hoping to be on time tonight, but my wife is not home yet, and she left her phone here. I will be present asap.

Then this:

I can’t come. I’m sorry. Things are a little shitty.

I read this last text, closed my eyes, and bowed my head in defeat.

I asked in meditation, earlier, for God to let me know what it wanted me to do.

Seems pretty clear to me.

Then I read this in my inbox from Pema Chodron:

DROP IT AND RELAX
Sometimes we’re going to find ourselves completely caught up in a drama. We’re going to be just as angry as if someone had just walked into the room and slapped us in the face. Then it might occur to us: “Wait a minute—what’s going on here?” We look into it and can see that, out of nowhere, we feel that we have lost something or been insulted. Where this thought came from, we don’t know, but here we are, hooked again.

Right then, we can feel that energy, do our best to let the thoughts dissolve, and give ourselves a break. Beyond all that fuss and bother is a big sky. Right there in the middle of the tempest, we can drop it and relax.

Hard to argue with that.

Drop the rock and swim for the surface.

Drop Highland Park and set me free.

rock

4 thoughts on “DROP THE ROCK

  1. I’m a little concerned that he is having such a hard time seeing you of their marriage is open. I think maybe his wife’s side of the marriage is open but she doesn’t really want his to be. If that is the case I would steer clear of him, it’s not going to get any better with him if his wife decides she doesn’t like him dating others….and he will resort to sneaking around with you and this will limit his time with you even more.

    I’m sorry it’s turning out this way. Open marriages are not easy but sounds like he and his wife have some serious talking to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. He said later that he felt awkward leaving because his wife was acting funny when she took their daughter to bed and he didn’t feel like he could leave without knowing how she felt. When she finally did come out and saw that he was still there was angry at him for not leaving to see me and said I must feel terrible. Then he called me. What I am learning is how painful and stressful it is, dating someone who says they are in an open marriage but has not come to terms between themselves about what that really means and feels like they are just winging it. It’s crazy for me to engage with this couple in this way. They are not practicing what I would call Ethical Non-Monogamy much less polyamory. But it is not the end of the story, unfortunately, either, and I learned that this situation was perfect for my own issues of less than, and not important enough. He reinforced every shitty idea I had about myself and I let him. Ugh. And he is not a bad guy and she is not a bad woman and neither am I. It just wasn’t an evolved experience that I thought I was looking for. The beat goes on!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally missed this reply! Their situation sounds off. The communication seems lacking, both between them and him towards you (at least initially..I’m glad he had an explanation when you finally saw him)

      Like

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