My Ex and I took our four-year-old daughter camping this weekend with her entire preschool.
I have been begging for us to do something like this forever.
He never would.
I don’t think he wanted to be alone with me. I think he stopped liking me as a human being.
So it was bittersweet.
We had one fight during lunch before we even made it to the campground where I had to walk outside and take a few deep breaths.
Somehow we patched things up and arrived in one piece as a pseudo family.
For the remainder of the trip, we acted like a little family. A broken little family.
Strange. Exhausting. Enlightening.
I can’t even write I am so fucking tired.
I want a new fantasy.
I miss my muse.
He is coming over tomorrow night.
The question is: do I do yoga with his wife beforehand or not?
A fantasy I sent him:
A long hard ride on your motorcycle
Heading up the coast
A perfectly overcast day
My legs spread behind you
My crotch pushed hard up against you
My breasts held firm to your back
I rest my head between your shoulder blades
Wrapping my arms around you
One hand on your chest
The other between your legs
Begging you to stop
And fuck me
Up against a limestone rock
He responded with:
Oh god, you are describing my eternal fantasies.
How can we be so mentally connected? It is tripping me out. I feel so sexually ignited and free.
We have a date tonight. I am so excited. I told him I wanted him fiercely. I lit candles and made myself smell real pretty. I was waiting in my candle-lit living room when at 8:15 (he was supposed to be here by 8 pm) I received this text:
Hi fierce lady, I was hoping to be on time tonight, but my wife is not home yet, and she left her phone here. I will be present asap.
I can’t come. I’m sorry. Things are a little shitty.
I read this last text, closed my eyes, and bowed my head in defeat.
I asked in meditation, earlier, for God to let me know what it wanted me to do.
Seems pretty clear to me.
Then I read this in my inbox from Pema Chodron:
DROP IT AND RELAX
Sometimes we’re going to find ourselves completely caught up in a drama. We’re going to be just as angry as if someone had just walked into the room and slapped us in the face. Then it might occur to us: “Wait a minute—what’s going on here?” We look into it and can see that, out of nowhere, we feel that we have lost something or been insulted. Where this thought came from, we don’t know, but here we are, hooked again.
Right then, we can feel that energy, do our best to let the thoughts dissolve, and give ourselves a break. Beyond all that fuss and bother is a big sky. Right there in the middle of the tempest, we can drop it and relax.
Hard to argue with that.
Drop the rock and swim for the surface.
Drop Highland Park and set me free.