JUST ONE MORE HIT

 

Boiling emotions
I made myself come thinking of him
I had to stay connected
I kept hoping every text, every email would be from him
None were
I felt stupid for letting him come over
I admonished myself for not being stronger in my resolution
I should never have said I was up
I should never have told him to come over
Yes
Please
Was it just a mercy fuck?
I don’t know what to believe
This sucks
I hate this.
And yet, I am still grateful for it
For him
For reminding me that I am a woman
And for making me feel beautiful
When my ex-husband made me feel so not
Be happy
Be love
Open heart
Don’t close
How could he not be thinking about me?
I am a fucking amazing woman.
I am smart, funny, sensitive, loving, kind and gorgeous…
I am the three G’s
Good in bed, giving, and game for anything
What more could a man fucking want???
I downloaded my favorite Facebook photos of him to my phone
Then I deleted them
This is not healthy
This is not good for me
I love you
I want to say those words to him
Just once
And then I will walk away
I swear

Should I drink again? I have been sober for almost 11 years. A fundamentalist in AA, so rigid it almost killed me, killed my love of AA, for sure.
The thought is percolating.
It hasn’t for so long. I am curious where it will lead me.
Mushrooms. Pot. Booze.
Who knows.
I give up.

IF I SEE YOU ONE THE STREET, Highland Park
what do I do, since you live less than a mile away, and a run -in is logistically inevitable?
If you are with your wife, do I run the other way?
If you are alone, do I run your way?
Into your arms.
Wrapping my body around you.
Burying my face in your neck.
Grinding myself up against you.
I fucking love the way your body feels against mine.
It is like we were molded to fit this way.
Together
Then we were split apart
And we may never fit that way again
At least not in this lifetime
It is the worst kind of torture to meet your sexual soul mate
As if there is any other kind of soul mate
And not be able to be with them
That is some fucked up karma right there
I must have hurt somebody real bad in my past life
For this to be my life
Fierce
Is my want
I have so much passion for this man
It boils over

 

I seriously do not understand tinder.

I have liked a few people, they have liked me and then what?

Crickets.

Don’t get it at all.

I sent Highland Park part of this thing about body, mind, and soul fucking. I can’t remember who wrote it. I apologize for that.

Sex is as limitless as the lover––and with the right partner, it not only is infinite––it’s unforgettable.

Heart Fucking

“When you touch someone with your spirit, and they in turn touch your soul with their heart.”
~ Unknown

A physical trust, especially for a woman, is one of the greatest gifts that she can give her lover. A woman can’t really have her body fucked until she’s opened her heart up to be fucked too.

Mind Fucking

“Know this: I have tasted your mind and I cannot forget its flavor.” ~Unknown

Only a best friend whom we can share incredible passion with can ever be capable of mind fucking us.

When we are truly passionate about our lovers, it’s not only to desire their body, their lips and the smell of their skin, but it’s to desire their minds––the rush of words over their lips, the way they can create fire in our souls and the mental connection that makes us feel like we have sparks of electricity dancing in our minds.

The trick isn’t to find someone that just makes your blood rush while you’re skin to skin, but to find that person who makes you breathless just walking into a room, whose very being arouses you––the one whom you just can’t keep your hands off of.

Someone who can fuck us dizzy by just looking into our eyes.

Soul Fucking

Every fear, every mistake, every heartache is preparation for that chance to be soul fucked into oblivion. We need to simply let it all out, so that we can let it all in.

“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” ~ Charlie Chaplin

Opening our soul to another is the most elusive and most desirable type of connection. The reality is, even if we’ve opened our hearts and minds to someone, not everyone can be that Soul Mate, or Twin Flame who can fuck our souls.

We can’t force something that just isn’t there.

To soul fuck is be open, honest, raw and not the least bit perfect. It’s to be ruined forever.

 

I should be letting him go. But I can’t.

Not yet.

One more hit.

Just one more, then I will quit forever. 

I promise. 

 

 

One thought on “JUST ONE MORE HIT

  1. Please don’t drink. No man is worth sacrificing your sobriety for.

    I am really worried for you in this situation. He can’t possibly give you what you need and please know that this fact is nothing to do with you. You are good enough, great enough, but he is married and hasn’t figured out how to manage the needs and demands of two women. That’s on him.

    Like

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