I haven’t heard from Highland Park since we agreed to meet up once his wife and daughter left town. I like knowing what the plans are. Apparently he does not.

But I did hear from two guys on Tinder that “play” with women together, as a “duo”- that is what they call themselves. I am intrigued. I am checking it out. I am on a roll. All the sexy dirty talk about threesomes with Highland Park have got me gunning for this fantasy to come true. I am not waiting for him to get his shit together. I am on my own path.

Being with Highland Park feels so sexually liberating and healing on some levels that it keeps reminding me of how sexual I once was, long ago, with someone so much older than me. In hindsight, it felt traumatizing and inappropriate, but maybe I am too hard on myself, maybe I have always been this sexual being, and there was nothing wrong with it?

I need to investigate. I reached out to my first boyfriend Jon; he recently moved back to our hometown and is living in his father’s house in Laguna Beach. I heard he was dating my best friend from Middle School, but I think that has since ended. It is a small town. Not many people leave. I found his number and called him up. He said he would drive up to LA and meet me at a local coffee shop and that he was more than happy to answer any questions I had.

Wow. I am moved by the fact that he is so willing to drive up here that I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to say.

He was my first love. He was my most volatile love. He gave me chlamydia. He cheated on me. I don’t think he ever took me to a real dinner. He has slept with all of my girlfriends. I spoke with him briefly before I met my Ex-Husband. We had tentative plans to meet up. It never happened. I said something to him about his 16 year old daughter and her being with a 23 year old like he was with me. He said I was no normal 16 year old. I want to know what he means by that. I have so much shame about my sexuality as a young woman. It was a beast I could not contain. It controlled me. I had no parent to guide me. I was on my own. And I fumbled terribly many times seeking connection.

We will see what happens.

I had a rough day. I was super emotional about Highland Park. I could not stop crying. The waves were coming in pretty heavy rotation. One set after another. UNTIL- I meditated tonight. I did a guided listening and receptive meditation with Tara Birch. It was near the end when I had this most splendid epiphany. I saw my enthusiasm for connection, my intensity, and my passion as endearing and wonderful. I felt the shame, judgment, and indecision fall away from me as a sweet bliss cover me like a soft pink blanket. I am okay. There is nothing wrong with me. Everything is perfect exactly the way it is. I did nothing wrong. I don’t need to take anything back. I merely need to direct my wonderful exciting energy towards someone in a place to receive and return. A volley back. I have been playing the game alone. I want to play with someone else. A partner. And it is not him. Someone better. I know it.

Coming out of meditation, deleted my tinder and raya account. I removed all the photos of HP. I felt free.

Space opened up inside and around me and I felt a joy I have not been able to access.

There is nothing I need to do.

I only have to be.

And receive.

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