DISCERNMENT

I am tired. I can’t write. I have my daughter, alone, as a single mom, 90% of the time. I am so very tired. This shit is hard. Doing it all by myself.

We had lunch with her Dad today, and when he walked in he grabbed the back of my neck as a way of greeting me. I know it sounds weird, but it used to be an affectionate gesture he did when we were dating, and I didn’t realize how long it had been since he had shown me any affection.

I have been on the verge of tears ever since.

I keep reliving the lack of compassion he had for me during our five-year relationship. I wonder, how much compassion did I have for myself? And was he merely a mirror?

Post-partum anxiety. Depression after abortion.

No one said getting married and having a child right away would be easy, but I thought it would be easier than it was. He was not kind to me when I needed him the most. And I imagine how kind am I to myself?

I endured.

I endure.

Long lonely nights I spent, holding and rocking myself. In so much emotional pain I didn’t know what to do or how to show up for my daughter. To be present. To not rage at him for not being who I wanted him to be. He did not play the part I assigned him. He apparently never even read the fucking script I wrote in my head, because he never once, said his lines.

And then he touches the back of my neck in a restaurant, and I am a puddle on the floor.

I have to be more discerning in the future.

If not for me, then for my daughter.

2 thoughts on “DISCERNMENT

  1. I admire the courage with which you wrote this emotionally raw blog post. It seems to me that society and media conspire to mock women for being overly emotional – as if we acted out of some sort of bizarre, ritualistic desire to cry for reasons we can’t even adequately describe. And, still, you recognize your need and desire to protect, care for and love your daughter. I wish I had some profound wisdom to offer, but instead let me just say that doing the best you can is all anyone – including yourself – can ask for.

    Like

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