I told the Shaman no. I would not date him. This is what I wrote in an email:
Hi, Shaman Dude!
I have been giving our conversations much thought and prayer and have come to the realization that I need to be alone, very alone, indefinitely. And because of the potential relationship we discussed, I feel it is in my best interest to refrain from doing any medicinal work with you as well. I will also refrain from any further work with you and your Shaman partner.
I hold you both in the highest regard and honor the great healing work you are doing in the world.
I hope you understand and know that I send only the best intentions your way.
Thanks for your message and updates. I’m glad that you are recognizing and doing what you need to do or what is best for you. I respect your decision not to do any spirit-medicine or plant-teacher work with me. I receive your regards and best intentions warmly and with gratitude and share these in return for you.
I assume this means that our call for Mon, 10/19 is canceled. As we have discussed, if I am not holding spiritual practice with you, my practitioner boundaries require that I have limited to almost no interaction with you for months. An occasional email or short call should be fine, but otherwise as we have discussed, my commitment to safe and ethical practice for any personal involvement with a ceremony participant requires that we wait out this period. Thank you for honoring me by understanding and respecting this.
I request that if your interest in me, life circumstances, or relationship status change such that you are unable to keep open, or are no longer interested in, the possibility of personal connection with me, that you let me know. I may check in occasionally (maybe every 4 to 8 weeks) if I don’t hear from you.
Am I crazy, or does it sound like Shaman Dude has a hard time hearing NO?
I did not respond. I feel like I dodged a bullet here.
I walked with my little healer buddy, Fredd, today. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that I needed to receive love and validation from myself, first and foremost.
I need to be seen. By me.
I don’t need. I want. To…
I want to grow my business.
I want to react differently to the prison experience.
I want to react differently to men.
They are not the ones holding the power.
He also helped me see that I don’t need a spiritual community. I am a lone wolf on the 5th path to enlightenment, meaning; I gain enlightenment through experience and that although I have teachers, the real teacher is my life.
The isolator that I am appreciated this very much.
My business is starting up again. I pitched it to a group of high school students today. I feel good. I feel purposeful. And… I miss Highland Park so fucking much. Sex. Sometimes it gets a hold of me, and I can’t let go.
I am back. Obsessive thoughts about HP’s hard cock are gone.
He has not reached out. I have not reached out to him. He is like a drug. Or drink. Or shop. Or eat. I keep telling myself it was something special then I remind myself it was not special at all. It was just sex.
I hate him.
I hate my ex more, though.
He is such a dick to me sometimes. Completely condescending and patronizing when I am feeling any emotion. He gets to travel all over the place spending whatever the fuck he wants to while I am scrimping to get by and get chastised for spending too much.
I am raising his daughter BY MYSELF basically. He only has her eight nights a month. 8 NIGHTS! Not that I want her less, but I feel sick when I think of how little he wants to be with her. Other dads will wake up early and drive their kids to school. Or fight for 50/50. Not my ex. He is a fucking reptile alien who cares more about his stupid poodle dog and ex-girlfriend than he ever cared about us.
I fucking hate his guts. If it weren’t for our daughter, I would be hell and high water out of here.
I’m just pissed because I feel like I gained weight and it doesn’t feel good and I don’t have HP to make me feel better. But it is on the way out. I don’t want to react to men this way anymore. I did this when I was younger, to protect myself from my step-father’s lascivious ways. I don’t need to do that anymore. I want to let go. Feel safe. I am powerful. I am okay. I can take care of myself. I don’t need or want any extra cushioning. It feels yucky.
I am just uncomfortable in my own skin.
No matter what.
God help me.