I am face down in the dirt, bloodied and beaten, in the arena of romance and finance. The KO punch has landed, and my spiritual coach is screaming at me not to give up, to get up, and to come up swinging. I am in that millisecond before my arms move, and I lift my head off the ground. I am ready. I just have to move.

We saw the mediator for the first time today and based on the unverified numbers he gave her, I am owed MUCH MUCH less than I thought in child and spousal support. I about died. But was mute. Because I had no words to say what I needed to say.

But what am I swinging at? Maybe I should get up hugging?

My heart hurts.

I miss my daughter.

I miss having a family.

Ayahuasca prepared me for this. She did. She cracked me wide fucking open and taught me that I could sit in oceans of pain, that I will be okay, and that it will change.

This too shall pass.

I don’t want to write right now.

But I had to.

I am waking up in 5 hours to attempt a 17-mile traill run with my girlfriends, and I can’t stop crying.

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