I am taking an on-line course of Pema Chodron’s called How to Change your Habitual Reactions to Things, or something along those lines. She is talking about the Difficult path of three. One, recognizing when you are hooked. Two, doing something differently. And three, making it a life long practice.
What is mine?
Highland Park and his wife. I try not to think of them. I tell myself I am over him. I am over them. But I think about them throughout the day. I even find myself rehearsing how I am going to let them down gently when they invite me over next.
I have not heard from them in over a week. I may never hear from them again.
In a way, I hope so.
And in a way, I want the last word to be mine.
Power. Shenpa. I am hooked in this story. Big time.
I am hooked when it comes to my Ex and his ex Sara. And just my ex.
My Mom, and my older brother, and just my Mom or older brother.
So quickly hooked.
My weight. BIG FUCKING HOOK.
Alcohol. BIG FUCKING HOOK.
Being a part of a group. Not being part of a group.
Have I talked about my big realization on the run?
I have had this subconscious idea that I could only write a personal narrative and like this, needed a complicated suffering existence, because what else would I write about?
But then it occurred to me; I could always write fiction and then have an awesome solid, safe, sane life
What the fuck am I waiting for???
I am currently waiting for my adorable four-year-old to go to sleep so that I can watch Homeland. It is 10 pm already. Jesus. The days of 7 pm bedtime are way-way over. I used to have an evening to myself. Now I am lucky if I get 10 minutes.
Exhausted. My Ex doesn’t want his daughter for Thanksgiving.
Don’t run with the story.
Stop right there.
Change the story.