NOVEMBER 23, 2016
I made my older brother a cake for his sober fifth birthday, and we ate it here at the house because I had my daughter and could not leave to go to an AA meeting with him. It was bittersweet. We used to share the same birthday, November 23rd. If I had not drunk, smoked pot did mushrooms, and ayahuasca I would have been turning eleven. What a trip. I am not sure how I feel about that. Eleven years is a long time to be sober. Well, almost eleven years.
I told him it was going to be my new sober birthday too. I think it made him happy.
Should I take a yoga teaching certification course???
Am I out of my mind?
My Ex husband gave his old iPad to his ex-girlfriend, my nemesis, instead of offering it to me, knowing we don’t have one and have no money to buy one. I know this because my five-year-old daughter told me. I shook with anger. I feel so insignificant. Still.
I give up.
I have to. Surrender or be dragged, right?
I had a vivid dream last night about a man I liked very much but have never met. He was incredibly handsome, and we were doing some serious flirting. Next thing you know we are naked in a bathtub together. He is playing with the head of his penis against my vagina. I slip getting into position and accidently impale myself on him. I think it is a good thing. He does not. He is extremely upset with me and leaves me alone in the tub. I feel searing shame. I cower and cry, begging him to hold me. He refuses to touch me. I am devastated.
Then I woke up and said FUCK THIS.
I closed my eyes and went back into that dream telling that man that I was not going to accept his shame and rejection. NO fucking way. I had done NOTHING WRONG and therefore had absolutely nothing to apologize for. I was an incredible, talented, smart, exciting woman and he was missing out. Then I walked away. Clothed, I hope. But possibly not.
I liked rewriting that ending A LOT.