Sedona, AZ

My daughter and I flew out to Sedona to spend Thanksgiving with my best friend from childhood and her family. I drank wine with her last night, not very much, but woke up in the early hours with paralyzing anxiety and could not go back to sleep. I lay there sobbing. I even tried praying again. What is this?? Nothing went wrong. I did not drink too much. I did not drive. It was a beautiful evening, and I enjoyed it very much. It was fun drinking wine with her after a decade of not being able to do that.

So what the fuck is up with this anxiety attack shit going on??

I have to be sober again. I am going back to the AA. I can’t do this alone.


Ten years. Lost. Being a newcomer? Can I do that? Really?

What scares me more is figuring out how I am going to financially support my daughter and me. I used to lay in bed at night, next to my sleeping ex-husband and have the same anxiety attacks, except these, were about leaving him and supporting myself. I guess the common denominator here is the anxiety attacks in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe they don’t care what the cause is?

I can’t imagine the future. I can’t see it right now.

And that scares the shit out of me.

I should start writing fiction.

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