Sober. Again. Fucking sober. Again.
Maybe, at some point, it will all make sense, because right now, it does not. I keep trying to make it make sense, and then I end up crying.
The “it” being my life circumstances at this point; going through a divorce, newly single mom, having sex with a man in an open marriage, starting a new business, and having left AA, drinking and using again.
It’s all Ego. Who I was in AA was ego and who I am coming back into the rooms is ego. The pain is ego. There is nothing in the moment. The present moment is alive with possibility. Endless in unconditional acceptance. It is only when I venture into the past or future that the pain kicks in.
My anxiety was the alarm system alerting me of danger. The drinking and Highland Park were distractions from the paralyzing fear I feel every second of my waking moments. When I think about my situation, being alone and starting a business,I start crying and want to hide. But I have a beautiful incredible vibrant four-year-old little girl staring me in the face begging me to stay present for her.
Highland Park and drinking again are simply distractions from the tsunami of pain barreling down upon me.
I have never encountered a grief such as this.
Sunday night Showtime. Take me away.
I want to be in my body. I swear to God I do.
I want to feel every inch of this. I promise.
Just not right now. In this moment. Maybe later.
For now, I’ll watch The Affair.