I wish I could say something about the election. But I can’t. Not just yet. I am still in shock.
(I write my experiences down, and then post them months after, when I have had time to process- it’s my process- so this happened in the past, hopefully still relevant)
THREE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
- Is it useful? Yes – go to question 2 / No – do not keep
- Is it beautiful? Yes – go to question 3 / No – do not keep
- Is it something you have in sufficient quantity, or something you can share with others to greater benefit? Yes – Share. No – keep and appreciate, but still try to share with others.
These three steps are applicable in both possessions and in relationships.
I sent this email to Highland Park today- if felt so fucking good.
Hi Highland Park,
I can’t make our tea/coffee date tomorrow. I apologize for the late notice but I realized today that it is not in my best interest to keep engaging with you in any capacity. Our connection is not one that feels consistent or stable enough to be healthy for me emotionally. I wish you the best. I do. I am sure you will find your way.
He replied this morning with:
I taught until 10 last night and during a break, I decided to check my email. I wished I hadn’t, as it was difficult to concentrate after doing so. I guess I was a little stunned and it felt like a punch to the gut. I thought I should wait until morning to respond, to process your message a bit. I’m not sure that helped, as I’ve been restless all night.
I’m sorry I’ve become an unhealthy presence in your life. I’m grateful to have had you in mine. I appreciate your being clear with me, and I wish nothing but the best for you also.
A day went by and then he sent this:
I have tried to avoid writing you the past week because, well you made it clear that you don’t want that, and also because I thought some time might help me sort out my feelings about your message.
That part hasn’t changed, so here I am. First, I want to make it clear that I understand if you have concluded that engaging with me is not in your best interest. I mean, although I don’t know the specifics of how you arrived at this conclusion, I can comprehend why you might feel it is best, why you might want to move on entirely, and respect that. No hard feelings and I wish you the best.
What I don’t get, what I have been struggling to comprehend, is the way you chose to communicate this to me. Your message seemed very cold and formal to me. I don’t know that person. The Arrowyn that I have known is one of the warmest, most generous souls I’ve yet to encounter. I don’t recognize the author of that email, and that is disturbing to me.
Maybe I want you tell me that I am completely misinterpreting the tone of that message, but I have yet to get my head around it, so please forgive me if way off base here.
I am sort of assuming that I shouldn’t attempt to attend the local meditation group. Even if you aren’t there and are working separately with the leader, I don’t want to cause discomfort by encroaching on that sphere that has been so helpful to you and may have aided you in reaching some clarity relative to your relationship with me.
Just bear in mind that I have a heart, too.
SO I SAID:
I am assuming, by your email, that you have absolutely no idea about who I really am. You have no idea how excited I get every time I think I am going to see you and how utterly devastated I am when you bail on me, last minute, over and over again. At least I gave you more than that. Trust me, when I came to that decision, I had the thought to wait until 9:59 Wednesday morning to text “I’m sorry I can’t make it. Something has come up that is obviously more important than you are.” But that is not me, and I could not go through with it. You also have no idea how hard it was to send that email in the first place. It took everything I had to be as clear and direct without explaining too much or revealing the depth of my feelings for you. You also have no idea how the hardest thing in the world I have had to do so far, is not reply to your response. I cried that entire day. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and a day has not gone by that I have not thought of you and wanted things to be different.
But they are not, nor will they ever be, different.
You are married. You always will be. And you do not have the capacity to show up for me in the way that I need you to. You show up and then you disappear and it’s like Chinese fucking torture for someone like me. I am not built for this kind of relationship/friendship with you.
So I have to say good-bye in the only way I can- which might sound cold, distant, formal, and awkward but the option is to sound so pathetic that I know, years later, I will regret it.
I know you have a heart. I fell in love with it. That is the problem.
Go to meditation if you want. Seriously. I want you to get help.I love you. I wish I didn’t, but I do.
And if I see you there, I won’t be able to stop myself from hugging you, so there.
p.s. I know you had a very valid reason for cancelling the last time, because of your friend with cancer, and I am really sorry for him and you, but that instance aside, there have been way too many last minute cancellations for me to feel safe and trusting anymore. I know you get it. You have to. You aren’t dumb. That kind of shit isn’t sustainable.
And there you have it.
Damn, could I be any more confusing? Wow.
But what do I expect from my first polyamorous break-up?
This situation is no longer useful.
So let go. The directions are quite clear.