I sent HP this parting email last night:
It seems only fitting that we would end where we began; making out in my car as I drop you off at yours. Although a part of me abhors the thought that I may never kiss you again, another part of me knows that may also have to be true. At least for awhile.
I look forward to a new beginning with you. One where we can be friends; sitting around, discussing things like meditation, depth-hypnosis, breath work, how ayahuasca follows me everywhere, parenting, art, and love, over lunch or tea or whatever. And where I don’t get so upset if you have to change plans. 🙂
Thank you for being so kind and generous with me as I stumble through this thing.
A world without you in it seems cruel and unusual.
And he replied with:
I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate this beautiful, lovely message. I wish I had a private moment to write you a little more, but I at least wanted to communicate that much for now.
I am very relieved that we had an opportunity to talk. It’s still a little bittersweet, but I hope we can be solid and happy, and fun, and golden friends. I look forward to seeing you again.
I did a workshop with a healer today who was talking about it all being love and real love is not a currency to be exchanged but is limitless.
I fucking love HP. I do. At least I think I do. And it doesn’t have to look any specific way. Although my default is to yearn for more, my new path is to be with what is, and to be grateful for love and kindness, in whatever shape it may take.
LOVE EMAILS TO MYSELF
I am really impressed with you. Today you looked really beautiful and you were so sweet and sincere. You were kind and generous. You listened and you were listened to. You followed your heart, regardless of the outcome. I think you did an awesome job and I am really proud of you. You are such a kick-ass mom and I love that you are sober. You looked cute in that jumper too. You have an exquisite body. I love when you do yoga. So fun. And laughing with Jolie! The best. You glow with a radiance that comes from deep inside. It is not indication of your self-worth that HP is not available for you. He would be, if he could. Another lifetime maybe. He is not the last nor the only one who will ever be passionate kind and funny with you. Not by a long shot. I know you love him. I know you do. And that is okay. it is okay to love people and not be with them. Keep moving forward dear love.
Keep moving forward. You got this.
I love you beyond your ability to comprehend.
I know you think of him often. I know you loved getting his email today. You read it and reread it a thousand times, didn’t you? That hit of compassionate connection. So enticing. I am proud of you though. You were a good mom today and you were a good mom to yourself. You showed up, even when your resistance was high. Man, were you pissed driving there! And so ambivalent- and taking it out on Pony! Watch that- not so cool. You felt so alive and light leaving. It was a good choice to go and I am proud of you for going back. I am also proud of you for taking the time to write tonight. To continue the blog instead of watching TV. Next step is submitting. Let’s get some shit out there! And Story Tribe at Movida for all women?? Are you kidding me? Rad. Let’s see what happens. It’s all looking good though. Looking good. You are doing a GREAT JOB!!
And I know you want to send this poem to him. I know you do.
My advice, if you want it, is just to wait. Wait a hot minute. Pause.
Check back in with it tomorrow. The poem, HP, and you, are not going anywhere anytime soon.
I know you love. I know you do.
Love yourself first. Go on. Do it. I dare you.