BLOW IT UP

Despite your instinct to say ‘I’m alright, it’s okay’ – be honest. Say what you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity.

— Shane Koyczan, Instructions for a Bad Day

I read this and knew, deep in my gut, I have to say something, although it is the last thing in the world I want to do.

I called HP and told him everything. Every single word his wife told me. I left nothing out.

Especially the part about how she thought he was a “jerk” for canceling on me last minute repeatedly.

That was my “big gun.”

He was defensive, hurt, and confused. He said he never told her this was casual, that he didn’t know why she would say all of that, and that he does not bail on people last minute, all of the time.

I said okay.

I believe more was said but I blocked it all out. I might have disassociated at that point.

All I know is that I hung up and immediately felt emotionally hung over.

I thought of his wife.

I hoped he wouldn’t say anything to her but I knew that was futile.

I was fucked.

I had thrown her under the bus to make a point.

I broke “girl etiquette” rule number 1.

She would never trust me again.

But maybe I didn’t want her to anymore.

Maybe this was my way of blowing it all up so I could get out.

I considered calling her.

I waited.

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