I let my ex-husband really “have it” today. I felt so empowered after finding my “voice” in the Saharan Desert of my unconscious that I couldn’t stop the litany of honesty coming out of my mouth. It was on the phone. I told him every dark and ugly thought and feeling that I had about him, his new relationship, our marriage, all of it. I left nothing out.
I also told him there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would even be his friend after the way he treated me if it wasn’t for our daughter.
It felt amazing and liberating to be so honest when for years I had stuffed my voice deep into my gut.
He responded by telling me his narrative of the end of our marriage, and it differed so radically from mine that it made my head spin.
He doesn’t “remember” telling me he never wanted to have sex with me again. WTF?? That was a seminal moment in MY life, a moment that changed everything forever. And he doesn’t remember it?
I felt confused and bewildered. Memory is a tricky thing, for sure. But this…this feels like something else.
After our conversation, I ran a workshop with some high school students and made the wretched mistake of checking my email just before the end. My ex sent me a note saying that if that was how I felt, then he wanted to change the dynamics of our relationship and that no longer would we be entering into each other’s homes when we dropped off or picked up our daughter but that it would be curbside only, and we would speak of nothing not concerning her.
I felt nauseous and began to shake. I felt panic begin to settle in. It was hard to concentrate after that. I barely made it through. As soon as I could, I called him. He didn’t answer. I texted, please talk to me. He responded that he didn’t want to fight about it anymore. I said I did not want to fight either. Please talk to me. He called. I begged him, sobbing, to please be my friend again. I realized how much I still loved him and how much I missed the man that I met. Who changed the world for me. He made me feel so special. At least for those first three months. Until I was pregnant. And we were married. And then we had a baby. And he began to slowly drift farther and farther away from me and closer and closer to his exes. I have never known pain like this. I admitted so much. I was so vulnerable. I was face down smack down in the arena, bloodied as all hell. But I made it through. I survived. I am not dead.
He responded that yes, we could still be friends and nothing needed to change.
For my daughter, for our “family,” I know I did the right thing.
After we had hung up- I wanted a drink badly. I considered a bottle of wine. But then I heard Brene Brown saying how if I take the edge off of anything, I take the edge off of everything. And I want to feel joy. Real authentic mind-blowing joy. I know it is possible. It is around the corner.
Ernest Hemingway said to write hard about what hurts.
This hurts. Hard.
The fact that he is moving on and excited about a new woman in his life is ripping my heart out, and I just have to sit with it. Be uncomfortable and anguished and not do a damn thing.
This is like my second night of ayahuasca.
This is “When things fall apart”
This is life.
Suffering is not accepting what is and what is, is my suffering.
Accept and move on.