The retreat. Meditation Intervention.
The teacher used four modules as precursors to relapse.
- Craving and Urge
- Stress, anger, and depression
- Dysfunctional interpersonal relationships
He suggested Noble Silence. I did not observe. I struggled with that one.
Saturday night he gave a three-hour lecture on Attachment Theory and afterward I sat in the chapel and sobbed.
I heard so much of myself in the anxious- preoccupied Attachment style that it made me nauseous. The theory is that whatever style you attached to your primary caregiver predetermines the style you attach to relationships. This makes sense.
It feels hopeless.
But there is hope.
I mean, I hope there is hope.
During the retreat, my Ex’s girlfriend reached out for insight and help. She left a message on my phone. He broke up with her and she was distraught. I questioned whether I should call her back or not. Noble silence aside, I knew it was selfish of me, but I wanted validation. I called her back.
I wanted to know I was not crazy. She let me know that I was not.
My Ex is my Ex still.
Once that was over, I found myself trying to give her all of the tools of a “secure attachment” that I was learning. I was actually counseling my Ex-Husband’s Girlfriend in how to stay together.
What a fucking strange world I live in.
Refuge Recovery guy was there. He was observing Noble Silence. I was grateful for that. We never spoke once.
I was so uncomfortable in my skin on the retreat that I broke out in the worst acne I have ever had. I didn’t know what was causing it at the time.
I realized how much I want to see instead of being seen. How much I morph into what I think you want me to be. That I feel like I don’t even know who I am or what I want.
During our parent teacher conference I lamented about my skin, and Sayde suggested I look into spiritual causes.
Apparently, acne is a symptom of not loving oneself. Of being EXTREMELY sensitive. Of being uncomfortable in one’s skin. Of not wanting to be seen.
I have been crying all afternoon.
Went on a walk, crossed paths with a coyote.
Coyote medicine is to not take things too seriously, to lighten up, and look for the hidden meaning in things.
I would say today was a good day.