I wish I never had sex with him. Why did I do that? What am I doing?

I feel so fucking broken in this arena.

So much regret. Always. With the whole “Sex” thing.



It is the only way

This is what the suffering is saying to me:

“You give it up too soon. You suck.  You can’t adult. Who told you, you could adult? What a crock of shit that was. You have no idea how to navigate this social world- how to make a living. Buy a house. Save for retirement. Anything. You have poison oak all over your body and bumpy skin on your face. Your tattoos are merely a cover up for the pain you wish to inflict on yourself. A debt that can never be paid. It is another form of cutting. Just call it what it is.”


I love my daughter so much. So incredibly much. Holding her singing her to sleep tonight was the sweetest thing on the planet. What do I care what this guy thinks of me? Seriously. I think I am going to have to just accept that I am not relationship material. It’s just not in the cards, as Alison said. Just get with God, honey. Get with God.

I guess this meditation retreat this weekend will reveal more. I am sure of it

I know half of it is a story in my head- beliefs I have about myself causing this colossal emotion coursing through me.

Fuck it.


I’m ordering my T-shirt and bumper stickers now.


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