TODAY SUCKS ASS.
I wish I never had sex with him. Why did I do that? What am I doing?
I feel so fucking broken in this arena.
So much regret. Always. With the whole “Sex” thing.
SOBER AND ALONE
It is the only way
This is what the suffering is saying to me:
“You give it up too soon. You suck. You can’t adult. Who told you, you could adult? What a crock of shit that was. You have no idea how to navigate this social world- how to make a living. Buy a house. Save for retirement. Anything. You have poison oak all over your body and bumpy skin on your face. Your tattoos are merely a cover up for the pain you wish to inflict on yourself. A debt that can never be paid. It is another form of cutting. Just call it what it is.”
I love my daughter so much. So incredibly much. Holding her singing her to sleep tonight was the sweetest thing on the planet. What do I care what this guy thinks of me? Seriously. I think I am going to have to just accept that I am not relationship material. It’s just not in the cards, as Alison said. Just get with God, honey. Get with God.
I guess this meditation retreat this weekend will reveal more. I am sure of it
I know half of it is a story in my head- beliefs I have about myself causing this colossal emotion coursing through me.
SOBER AND ALONE.
I’m ordering my T-shirt and bumper stickers now.