Strange experience with time today.
I dropped my daughter off at school, picked up the bullshit overpriced supplements to get rid of my ridiculous adult acne that apparently is based on my dire lack of self-love and then went home and spent twenty minutes trying to connect to a webinar that doesn’t happen until tomorrow.
It dawned on me, at the moment I figured out what day it REALLY was, that I had tons of free time! So I worked my ass off checking off boxes, wrote a cover letter for a job and took a nap! When all was done, I walked to the beautiful SRF gardens and lay in the grass to connect with Mother Nature. I asked her to take my self-doubt and hate and to replace it with the love I find so elusive. While walking and meditating a moment later some things Jessica said to me kept reverberating in my mind:
I don’t have to settle or survive.
I choose me.
I choose me!
I am finally getting excited about me. I think I actually kind of like who I am. Seriously. I am not joking. I kind of rule. I kind of kick ass. Not in an arrogant way, but in a for-once-non-self-deprecating- way.
Boundaries = self-love
I dreamed last night that I was taking care of a baby dolphin. I held it in my arms before I put it into a small enclosed pool of water. Suddenly, a large black male wolf who had been following me comes out of nowhere diving into the water, grabbing the dolphin by the tail and dragging her down with him to her presumed death.
I woke up sobbing.
This is what dating feels like to me.
The second I have sex with someone I get pulled down into a deep well of emotional pain. Dragged to my emotional death.
I read up on it- and the wolf, in this context, represents feeling threatened by something or someone. Ha. And the dolphin is peaceful playfulness. Exactly how I feel when I am good with being alone.
Peaceful. Playful. Content with me.
And then – wham- the wolf comes out of nowhere and drags me to my demise.
I am so fucking glad Refuge Recovery ended it with me. SO FUCKING GLAD.
AND I am so happy I drank again. That I had the balls to test that theory out and that I have the balls now to say, No Thank you. Not for me. But there is a lightness to it. Not the heaviness that set me apart from the rest of humanity. That made me arrogant, and felt I was somehow better than or more spiritual than others because I was “sober in AA.” I am a worker among workers. A human being having a very human experience.
I hope I get this job.
I really do.