Little Tiny

Today was a trip.

I started the Presence Process this morning and the first interesting thing was what it did to my brain- area. I felt an earache on my right side. I suffered chronic earaches as a child. Then I was dyslexic for a minute afterward. I could not get my brain to work for a bit.

Then I went for a walk with Fredd, my little old healer buddy who yells at me.  He told me I am the type of person who runs away from things and keeps trying new things when they get too hard or I don’t see immediate results. Ouch. He was right. He says that I keep running away from my lower three chakras and until I can stick there- nothing in my life will work. Success will always elude me. Double Ouch. I don’t understand why he has to raise his voice when he tells me these things. It is like he is super frustrated with me and he has a southern accent so in a weird way I kind of like it.

My new mantra- with hand over my heart- is- “I will to connect to my lower three chakras; family, little arrowyn, and the adult in me.”

Then I spoke with my Ex-Husband, and he told me he wasn’t going to have his ex-girlfriend Sara pick the colors for his new house this time, because it would be like she had her mark all over his house and he didn’t want Julie, his new girlfriend to feel bad.

Sara picked the colors to all of our homes. And I let him. And I resented him for it.

I could not stop crying after that.

I called Michael Kass, my dear friend and breathwork coach extraordinaire, and he reminded me that there is an alternate story to the “I am worthless, why will he do for her what he could never do for me???” to “It is just his time to grow and change, and it has NOTHING to do with me.”

I like the latter interpretation of events.

And I still can’t stop crying.

I called Marie, one of my best friends who happens to also be a therapist and she said it was all true, AND I was fully validated in having big feelings about it all.

I meditated for 30 minutes on “the pool of sadness” – connected to my three lower chakras and waited for Tim, My Ex, to bring Pony and Addy, his girlfriend’s daughter over. They played at the house before Julie got off of work and met up with us at my house. They asked me if I wanted to join them for pizza and ice-cream. Everything in me screamed “Hell No!!” but the look on my daughter’s face made me say YES. We piled into Tim’s car, Julie in the passenger seat, the two girls in their car seats in the back, and me squeezed uncomfortably between the two. What a trip that was. The date was fine. I still came home and cried some more. I am not even sure it is because I am sad.

I just feel a lot today.

Oh, I forgot about Daniel, my friend I had sex with and who told me he didn’t have time for me.  I stopped following him on instagram because I felt hurt, embarrassed, and ashamed and he called me out on it today, accusing me of not wanting to be his friend. I guess he noticed I had stopped following him and said it hurt his feelings. I didn’t want to be his friend but I cowed and said I would. Be his friend. And start following him again on social media. I am sensing a theme here. Like, I have no balls or voice.

 

I feel mute. Invisible. Small.

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