CHEMISTRY

Tommy lives in Santa Barbara. I live in Los Angeles. That is almost 2.5 hours away. I hate driving. I am not a commuter. This will never work.

Still….I am:

Curious. Interested. Attracted. Excited. Intrigued.

We’ll see.

I have only spoken to him on the phone. I have yet to see him. We have plans for Saturday.

He just told me he may not be able to see me this Saturday. That was a bummer. But not the end of the world.

I love me. I choose me.

AND interesting fact; today I felt the urge to drop, refine, simplify and stick with what is happening right now in front of me, to actually live in today instead of keep searching for the next thing that is going to fix it; me.

ALTHOUGH

Today was tough for me. I was riding such a high yesterday after seeing my therapist and spending 3.5 hours strategizing my business. Then yoga, meditation, and talking to Tommy for 1.5 hours. I resented the last 30 mins. Why is it so fucking hard for me to ask for what I want? I wanted to get off the phone. I hate talking on the phone. He wouldn’t let me go. He just kept talking.

THEN

Tonight, at dinner with my daughter’s best friend and her parents, I did not want dessert. Her Dad even asked me if it was okay to stay for dessert and I internally screamed NO but said it was okay when it clearly was not. My daughter ended up going to bed super late, and although I still did my breathing practice and meditated, I was clearly agitated.

THEN

During the ridiculously long conversation with Tommy over the phone, he told me that talking about boundaries was stupid. I took offense. He handled it well. He texted a photo of himself fishing on his boat earlier that day. He looked alright. I forgave him.

AND LASTLY

The divorce papers arrived. It’s final. It’s official. We are officially divorced. Marriage dissolved. Like sugar in water. Or a body in some form of acid. Pure chemistry.

My ex called me and asked me if I wanted to talk about the papers. I said no. I hung up and started meditating. I felt myself disassociating and I willed myself to stay in my body, most notably my lower three chakras. It was painful being there but the pain shifted and I felt grounded instead. I cried. But then I stopped. I wanted to replace the pain with Tommy, but I didn’t. I meditated on loving myself instead. So good.

I am exhausted.

 

 

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