I was plagued by anxiety spasms throughout the night brought on by a text from Tommy at 10 pm last night asking if I was awake or asleep. I did not want to speak to him, I was too tired and craving autonomy and was merely going to ignore the text but then realized he could see that I read it and then I wanted to change the setting on my iPhone so no one could see if I had read their text or not and then ended up sending him a text that I was too tired and going to bed and then I felt the anxiety engulf me like a tsunami. WTF. I went to bed convinced that I need to end this. It’s too much. He lives too far away. It is going too fast, just like every other failed relationship in my life. I don’t know how to slow down. I don’t know how. Woke up, breathed and meditated and ended up in the fetal position crying on the couch. I do not like thinking I have hurt someone’s feelings or let them down, in any way. And at the same time, a few things he texted me yesterday brought some shit up. First off, he felt the need to tell me about his celebrity crush on whatsherface from that John Hughes movie I can’t remember right now. I knee-jerked responded with, “Hell, I would leave you for her too!”. Which felt fine at the moment, a little weird, but whatever. The second thing was how he joked about wanting to marry me because of how I responded and then kept reminding me it was a joke, and lastly told me he was the jealous type and would not share me with any other man. I do not like the “jealous” type. Fuck that. It was a strange series of events. I am still making sense about it all and feeling icky and should most likely speak to him about it. Or do I? Or do I just get the hell out of dodge while I can?
I spoke to Tommy about it. I told him I had a “reflection, ” and I didn’t want to “project” but I knew what I was feeling had to do more with my childhood than him. He listened. To it all. And then calmly talked me through it. It was kind of awesome and amazing. Then later he said he knew I was short with my daughter because I was sexually frustrated and he called me out on it. No idea how he knew that but dude has some serious telekinesis powers that span space and time.
I was all hot and heavy for Tommy today, even talking about him to my therapist, my meditation teacher, my ex-husband and his new girlfriend- texting talking and then suddenly- nade. Zip. Zilch. It’s moving way too fast. Want it to slow down. Don’t even really want to go to Santa Barbara this weekend to see him in person for the first time. What am I thinking? What the hell am I doing?
I don’t think I am as physically attracted to him as I thought I was. So how do I backpedal out of this mess? I feel like, once again, I get the teeniest tiniest bit of attention from a guy and I go ape shit. Like a starving war criminal. So hungry for anything. Desperate. Playing with his feelings. I do not feel like a good person right now. I feel like I have been doing what I thought I should be doing not what feels authentic.
Where is my voice?
Maybe it is too much, too soon. Today I told him about my day, the insights, the incredible insights, and he knows so much. But then he told me he was a little tired from processing and that he wasn’t really present for Allister and bam- I went cold. Done. I wanted off the phone. I wanted to end the whole thing. Shut. Her. Down.
I rewrote some memories today. I found my anger too- she is a caged Bengal tiger with a piercing scream. I let her out of her cage. She lunged at me, pushing me up against a tree, screamed in my face before running into the jungle.
It was intense.
During my meditation session with my teacher, I became a tree. A tree trunk with roots coming out of my root chakra between my legs. My long branches overhead were those of the Quaking Aspens. Integration of my tree trunk self with the rest of me.
Living from the base. Not from the top.