Something very strange is happening. Red flags are there. And I am aware of them. I see his codependency and desire to move too fast. I see him move then retreat and attack when he feels vulnerable. I see myself focus on superficial things (like how his face is ugly and his back is hairy) so as not to get too close. I see myself not wanting to be committed. But then making plans to see him.
We have plans to go to the Ojai inn next Monday. The day after I get back from The Sequoia National Forest with Tim, my ex-husband, and Pony, our daughter. I feel lucky we can do this. I am super grateful for that. We are taking a “family vacation” together even though we are not technically a “family” anymore.
The Presence Process is kicking my ass in the best possible way. Integration station over here! Not a day seems to go by that Tommy doesn’t trigger something in me and I have a glorious opportunity to respond- and feel EVERYTHING. FULLY. He said something really stupid yesterday that pissed me off. He told me I was a tease and a slut. Which, knowing he was joking, did not come across well and doesn’t even make sense. How can someone be a tease and a slut at the same time? That is just plain stupid. Anyway, I got pissed. I was so angry at him, I told him to never call me that again, that I was neither of those things. He was defensive. Which did not help things, asking if I was pouting. I wanted to punch him in the dick. This was all on text. It was a weird afternoon with him which was strange because it started out really intense with him wondering when I was going to move up to Santa Barbara and I asked him when he was going to build his house and he told me as soon as I said “yes” to marriage he would break ground- 2017. But that we could rent a house in Carpenteria or somewhere like that for a couple of years while the house was being built. Then he sent me photos of a house in Ojai that was for sale. It was gorgeous. I cried after seeing the kitchen table in the house and imagining actually eating family dinners again. It was a lot. Then he called me those names. WTF?
To be honest, it felt really good to get angry and to express it. I told him what I was feeling and he heard me, for sure. And then he finally really apologized. Which I appreciated. And then I felt okay. I guess.
We decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend, since we are not sleeping with other people. So that is kind of Big.
I like him and I don’t like him at the same time and yet I feel compelled to follow this thing through. What is this compulsion?
I had a major fear session about it this morning- just searing soaring abandonment fear having it’s way with me. He reminded me to breathe. And to make friends with it. Oh, hello fear. But then when we spoke later it felt like everything I was texting was “wrong” and he was teaching me about it- like how I said Thank you and he said it was not him, so no one to thank. Then I said I his first message was so sweet, so ‘YOU” and he said, when is he ever not “him” and lastly I told him I missed him and he said there was nothing to miss. Fuck me.
THAT was really annoying. I told him not every moment has to be teachable. Teacher. And that I wanted to be his lover, not his student.
And then I want to fuck his brains out.