This thing with Tommy is beyond my ability to fully comprehend. I give up even trying to. He is dirty and crass and has abject humor. I am not even attracted to his face or his body. And yet…and yet… What is this draw? I feel compelled, pulled by forces beyond my control; forces having to do with an abusive stepfather, a lascivious puerile older brother, and a time in my life when Tommy seemed beyond all that.

But high school was long ago and we are not kids anymore. We are adults. Parents. People in our forties. The pranks he pulls should repel me. I should tell him to Fuck Off and run the other way.

And I don’t.

He reminds me of my stepdad. He reminds me of my older brother. He reminds me of me in high school. Before everything got dark. And I lost myself.

He was sweet with me today though. He has that capacity. And we can laugh about families and people from home we know. He can speak therapese. He’s been in therapy. He knows he has an anger issue. He can bring out a side of me that I forgot from long ago. A sweet innocent side. He was my best friend for that first semester in high school of my senior year. He was a junior and sat behind me in AP Chemistry class. He made me laugh. He worshipped me then. I assumed he would now.

But I am thrown by some of his behavior and more thrown by mine.

I think our history is making me forgive trespasses I should not forgive.

I have not told ANYONE about him spitting in my face in Ojai. I keep leaving that part out. I do say his face disgusts me and I don’t know what I am doing but I leave that part out. Interesting.

I cried with him on the phone tonight and felt super fucking vulnerable. He seemed super sweet and caring. He sounded like he understood and leaned in instead of away and after my marriage, was quite intoxicating.

Maybe he is not so bad after all? I mean, maybe the spitting water in the face was some weird fluke and will never happen again.





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